over in newtown working on starlings record
its a cold overcast day
feeling sad n strange like starlings music
melancholia
what is life?
went to see wendy the white witch
she said i fucked up my last life with anger
she said i was a big shot
she saw me in a tunic (?)
she said i got angry n took the left hand path
she said i walked away from my responsibilities
and went to the left
i said is this actuality or what
she said
maybe thats just the way her crazy old brain interprets it
she said my job in this life is to deal with anger
i am fucking angry
a lotta stuff makes me angry
i was so angry the other night i was vibrating
literally beside myself
i parked in a no parking zone gotta fucking 'nother ticket
i went into my gnostic lecture
it was about..you guessed it...anger....
for the 1st half i was too angry to listen bout anger
eventually the message seeped in n i was somewhat calmed
you gotta be aware not feed the anger
watch it observe it dont feed it
ok easier said than done i gotta master myself
ok
yeah easier said than done
maybe harder to overcome than the gear
i just want things my way
i want to control people n events i guess
i would at least like my home to be the way i want
it isnt at the moment
im too busy to sort it out properly
n i get upset with it all
aurora mcbunny is steadily improving
scarlet the woofle aka mouse is still naughty
eve k aka the starr is still warm n lovely
im a lucky old geezer i guess
aint heard from my big daughters for a while...
it maketh me sad
the distance physically n emotionally between us
newtown is goth central
in a house full of muso types smokin' n takin' drugs but i resist
i just want to be freaking happy for once
doesnt everyone?
but i should aim more to be content
content with whatever comes
wendy says its a test
wendy says my destiny/fate is to do service
what service is that i say?
writing songs?
she says well i can heal but i cant write songs...
somehow i want some herculean task to perform
maybe "just" writing songs is service
maybe if my songs can heal (as people often tell me)
wow what a mystery life is
almost 56 n things are not really any clearer
i do my laps in the coldest water so far in 2010 (15.7)
jump out feeling renewed
but i still go home argumentative n bitter
maybe one day when its all over n put to bed
i can write about it all
but at the moment i cant
except to say things arent the way i want them or ever foresaw them
i know a lotta people got it worse than me
a lot lot worse
but i feel everything intensely
occasionally some smartarse says try having a real job!
remember i struggled hard to get to wherever i am
i taught myself everything
you didnt see me humping amps n p.a.s in out
up n down stairs on cold nights for years
the gigs when no one clapped or even came
borrowing money from banks to buy equipment
all the driving n arguing n setbacks
its not working down a mine
but its not all dancing on clouds believe me
it still isnt
sometimes i wish i was some bloke working 9 to 5
watching telly drinking beer n no existential angst
we all got our cross to bear
and our bear to cross
etc
i always appreciate the support n advice of my readers
i always appreciate the love of my friends
rock on kids
rock on
sk
ps 4 more days to new timebeing site
blog will continue there (dont mourn this one!)
new additions all the time
marten jansson karins bro n twilly uncle
just sent me a fixed up demo karin n i wrote in 86
called pink island moon
i had completely forgotten about it
things like this will be becoming available
everything eventually will be available there
good on ya j coal!
good on ya everyone else
53 comments:
Dear Steve, I'd like to confide in you and tell you that I share a similar tendency to be angry. Is there something in the air? Winter gloom? I've spent the past eight days stewing about people and events that took place up to 13 years ago. Ridiculous I know. But it's all coming up from this icky place in the stomach. I take deep breaths and "observe" but as you say, it's easier said than done, muchly so. I've decided to make this my life goal, to overcome "myself". Doesn't help living in a hostile city where too many people drive overpriced cars and make you know it. The way people jaywalk and not give a shit as you're about to run them over is astounding. This is a city full of uptight pricks and I'm one of them when I'm out and about. Anyway, i should focus on the good stuff.. i'm on a very nice wicket generally, aside from some health issues i've nothing to complain about, am otherwise very happy, why does this 'blob' in the stomach wish to come up and ruin the day for me (8 days in a row now). No, I've a tremendous amount to be grateful for.
Your music and songs are healing and you deserve all the musical success you have as you took the risk of giving up the dayjob and going for it - you deserve the best!
Kinds and prayers for a wee bit of sunshine! :)
been enjoying the preview - thanks.
I think you worry wayyy too much. I think you are driving yourself nuts with your overthinking thoughts. You may dwell too much on the past and possibly you are now facing all this head on - with the going sober, etc. It's part of the healing process, facing things. It is hard.
It's not EZ to face all that sober ..... And you will always have some regrets, But you must move forward. The sober part is way worth it.
I feel you are doing a really good job. You should take one day at a time. That is the key. Be happy with each small moment of joy and be thankful for that. I know you are - just keep concentrating on the good.
I think you are strong, but you must concentrate on the moments at hand, and trust God to guide your every move, and your words. Sometimes we don't understand things. You don't always need to understand every single thing -- sometimes just enjoy or accept it.
Try not to think too hard. Try to flow with life, and enjoy the little things. Move away from things that annoy you -- in your mind, that is. Do something else besides what you are doing if you feel annoyed or stressed. Stress can killya.
I know you are, as you said you were -- just hang in there, and keep trying your best. That is all we can do. Prayers to you.
Forgive me for speaking my mind. It is late, and I am feeling your pain. Only trying to be helpful.
TR
You know I've been through the same thing and once you're out and on the other side of it everything is so much nicer.
Don't know about the past life thing as I think a lot of us have been told similar things. I was told I was once someone big and grand and while not inherently cruel, always wanted someone new on my arm to show off and wasn't really interested in who I was with at the time and that's carried over into my life now when I have to learn to be more content. That's probably a similar theme in everyone's lives, or maybe not? I really don't know. All we know for certain is that we have the life we have now, and being miserable and unhappy is no fun. Do whatever you have to to make yourself happy. I will never let anyone hold me back or down again, that much I know.
The anger part of the post makes me laugh, but only because I can rant and rave with the best of 'em and nobody wants to be around when the wrath of my Irish temper strikes, ha!
SK,
I know how hard life can be at times.Me,I'm a sensitive soul myself and sometimes wish I wasn't,but glad that I do "feel" even if it's quite intense at times.Yin and yang....experience them to appreciate the opposite.Your music has been such a comfort to me over the years,got me through some really tough times.When I get to experience The Church live,all the difficulties of life melt away and I float to another place.Can't ever thank you enough for making such a difference in my life,how lucky I was to discover your music.Now there are other bands out there that have come kinda close to the above mentioned,but not as much or as long as you have.
I hope that all your difficulties ease off and more sunshine comes in to your life.
Much love
xoxoxoxox
wish you were here so we could make this world a better place, i need you like you would not believe write now, i am hurting deep deep down, my mother is dying...
Jonny
deepest sympathy for you n your mother jonny
terrible sad news
steve
The grass is always greener...
i work 9 to 5 in corporate US of A and it is rapidly becoming no fun,
but i know you work hard for the money SK.
with the new site less than a week away, will details be made available on how to sign up to be a deluxe, exclusive, VIP member?
sorry to hear that Jonny.
saw me rocker mate Steve down the icebergs this morn
he had just hopped out having done 20 as I was about to jump in
happy as Larry he was
he warned me it was cold n he was right
he reckoned I wouldnt last long n he was right
by the time id done 5 my legs were numb
that pool did not hold back on giving me its cool
i hopped out and had to make sure i had my balance and could walk
thawed out in the sauna where Steve Rocka was entertainin 'em
he knows everyone down there it seems and everyone loves to say hi to him
friendly fellow he is
glad you got sumfing outta the class earlier in the week
being aware and observing it is the first part to it
later on you learn how to effectively eliminate it
there can be herculean effort required
but these can be fundamentally changed and things become more and more clearer
its hard when constantly being kicked in the teeth and with buttons constantly being pushed
hard times certainly for anyone
but we can use it for self-discovery and there is the higher purpose to it
"dont look back in anger
dont look forward in fear
but around in awareness"
said american writer James Thurber
onwards and upwards Steve Rocka
(here's some other good quotes about anger at this link:
http://thinkexist.com/quotation/let_us_not_look_back_in_anger-nor_forward_in_fear/210203.html)
SK10:
Nothing right in my left brain, and nothing left in my right brain.
You should take her out on a date. Put your guitar down for a day. Share a bottle of wine.
And if the old flame aint' still burning, then carry on.
best of - wilfred paradise
anon at 10 01
send me yer first born n yer a VIP!
hey look ...panther man ..i know that when @#$% aint right at home nothing seems to go as it should ...my advice..get the home life sorted ..else everything s a jumble,...
ps ..how can i not mourn the loss of the blog?..how? i know it will all materialize at the new spot but this here was special...peace
sorry about your mom Jonny.
So sorry to hear you are going through the ring of fire lately S K. Life throws stuff at us which can throw us towards the brink of despair. But eventually it teaches us what we know we have to learn. I needed to learn about self love and I knew this. I don't wish to sound saintly cos I'm very far from a saint! I see this as an opportunity to inspire anyone here who might gain something....I began a drama group for intellectually disabled young adults last year ( I'm a drama teacher) and I do this for one hour a week on my day off. To say this has been a deeply heart-filled experience is an understatement. Money cannot buy what I receive in return for my simple contribution. I write simple plays with them, we perform them and we laugh and cry with joy together. My special people have taught me more about self-love than anything in my life; they make me take the focus off my problems and put something back with the skills that I have and I feel immeasurably valued. A truly natural high stays with me for days afterwards. And my thoughts are with you Jonny. Peace & love to all.
I hope it ain't one of those deals where it won't let you access unless you're on that server or this technical blah, blah, blah. I found this site on accident 3 years ago while looking up info on The Church. But,alas,you must change as everything does. How can anyone begrudge you that? Will the archives remain? Seriously...what happens to this blog? Just gonna forget it? To totally change subjects I liked the blogs about your favorite individual songs. I love to hear about your influences. Please give us more, if you can. Thanks BEB
Mr. Kilbey...I had my alarm set and was excited to hear the interview last night...and to my shock the incompetent interviewer introduced you all as "very intelligent" or something like that, with a tone like it should be a grand surprise to people. geez! I couldn't listen anymore...of course you guys are smart. anyway, I could not do it.Whoever that kid is needs to find another job.
anyway, have a great one. can't wait for more songs. cheers
you've told me some more of what's happening
I can assure others here that there is no exaggeration in your present tales of woe
SK and the other members of "The Church" deserve to be millionaires based on the merits of their paramount music releases. To be so talented and to watch bands and individual bereft of talent making millions would drive me insane.
SK-
Dont settle for "content". No, it is not wrong for you to have things the way u want them in your home. You will find the necessary road to happiness at... home. Compromise must take place on equal fronts. What you have done for the majority of your life, is HARD work. No one should judge anyone else until they walk a few steps or even miles in someone elses shoes. Your life is and has been extraordinary, the few and many of us who have been witness, even from many lands apart, we read,listen,and encourage because we care, we care deeply for you as a human being (and timebeing-of course). compassion is a gift that costs nothing-yet we share it with to few.
Jonny-so sorry regarding ur mother-please hang in there.
for those of you who laughed at my 2 yr old daughter singing "pair of socks" , I am glad that put a smile on your face. She (my little girl) is crazy about music. Since I play it in the house,car,etc... all the time-she picks up (her version LOL) of the lyrics. "pair of socks" is crazy funny, but not as funny as when my 19 yr old (Alex...who thinks Marty and Peter are friggin geniuses) was playing Metallica-Master of Puppets and I walked into his room to find Kristina banging her head in slow motion ...screaming: "Master...Master...Master" over and over. She is going to have a wide music scope to enlighten her. When she was born, I sang AENT to her over and over and over. When she hears that song, even today, she stops what she is doing and makes eye contact with me and ...smiles.
What u have created and accomplished-SK-will always be treasured by us. Fans and friends...large and small.
Always,
DJK082067
Good Luck and Love at Home !!!
steve it looks like everyone has been giving good advice to you, so i'll just say i hope things get better for ya.
i think the quick temper, argumentative side to you is just part of being a virgo...that and thinking too much...
i've got it all...so do the others i know. i haven't noticed anthony's temper yet, but there's always the exception. nah...he's got one...just haven't seen it!
take care man
griffo
sorry for your mom jonny
Not sure what all is going on, but creatively at least you must be pretty happy with yourself. Your recent output (not to mention your previous output) has been incredibly impressive - really first rate words and music. You can do what 99.9999% of people can only dream about.
Hmm, over here in IL tonite it's a show at the old local warhorse Fitzgeralds which is as close to a hometown show as I can get; less than 2 miles from the house. We are playing w/and more likely against some bad "modern" rock bands; think metal with an even eviler edge. Don't get how having your image being "evil" is hip or cool these days.
"that was Inner Dark; how about some Inner Lights to counter it?"
Setlist will be
Happenings Again
Golden Arm
the Horse
Soundless Sound
Misery
Ocean Singing
the Greening
RB
Jonny - spend as much time with your mom as possible - reminisce, make her laugh, give her lots of kisses; tell her you'll always carry her with you and she'll never be forgotten. (we all need to do this with our moms, srsly!)
Steve - Wish I could pull out a book of wisdom and find the paragraph that would detail the right course of action or inaction.
Regarding your music as a healing entity, it has been effective with me and for that you have my gratitude and admiration.
Tu amiga,
Cee
OMG I cant wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wasn't even sure I wanted to comment today Steve, your post really hit kinda close to home. I have anger
issues too. For most of my life they lay dormant, until
the right people and circumstance came along and it was revealed. Most people say I'm the kindest most
mellow dude ever, but I'm a contradiction. It's funny
because I think we have good intent in our hearts & wish to do good, we just can't function effectively with the anger. I try not to let it get the best of me and every time I see someone else display anger, it is a mirror to mine and I don't like what I see. I do know that it's normal to express or feel anger because all humans do at some time-- try going through life never getting angry. Anyway it is something I have continue
working on. Thanks for sharing, I know it's not easy.
Peace
Ren
"aint heard from my big daughters for a while...it maketh me sad the distance physically n emotionally between us".
Give 'em a call, Steve. I'm sure they'd love to hear from you. They're still just basically kids, and they'll absolutely love hearing from their dad. It'll probaby make them call you more often.
Man, just 4 days till the new Time Being. Can't wait. Very exciting.
Steve, make no mistake about it, you are indeed a very lucky man. A lovely wife. Lovely daughters. An unmatched talent. ENJOY IT!!!
Anger? Don't even get me started. It's constantly inside me. It's like "been there, done that...still doing it". But I'm really trying to "let it go". It is what it is, Steve. Just be glad you're able to do what you do.
I agree - commendable accomplishments - past, present .... and future!
Sorry for your Mom, Jonny. I lost mine last yr., and it's been tough. I still miss her very much. You will always have your memories to cherish - nobody can take those away from you. Now is time for family and friends.
Seems really that this roller coaster we call life is made much better with good friends and family. Without that love and kindness from others, really there isn't much else left except what used to be God's green earth.
And the thing about children, is that they have a tendency to grow up and away even moreso as they age. Enjoy the time you have when they are young as you WILL cherish those days forever and ever and ever!
Healing prayers to all.
Some "pop psychology" for you - please take with huge grain of salt, and hell at least it didn't come from Dr. Phil!!
Anything that bothers you is only a problem within. Only you can experience it, and only you can correct it." - Dr. Wayne Dyer
Dear Steve:
I, too have found my poor peaceful little self incensed in red hot anger at times, with unbelievable expletives pouring forth like sparks- totally out of control. Who is this person, I think?
But sometimes it seems so appropriate? Ok - you're driving along enjoying life, and around the bend comes a car, completely over the double yellow line, and you have do drive half off the road to avoid a head-on collision. Pisses you off. And that example is like a metaphor for life, you know? You know.
It is very obvious you have worked devilishly hard - sometimes during very difficult circumstances. It shows in the excellence of your work. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
And your music is even more than healing. It takes us to another plane, another dimension. You probably cannot really hear your own music to fully appreciate what we get out of it. Life is all about vibrations, electrons circling protons, some going off and being two places at once. What is music but vibration?
Gratitude - the closest emotion to prayer that I can comprehend, is the healing emotion. We feel that for you, for what you have given us, but to whom can you feel that emotion?
My heart goes out to you.
Your Friend in Pennsylvania
Steve,
I hope you dont mind me saying this, but I was lucky enough to preview the new Time Being site and complete a survey. I want everyone to know you are going to love it, the blog is there and archived and is very similar to what we see here everyday. The rest of the site is amazing, easy to navigate and will be the one stop place to get your Kilbey fix. The site preview is not complete and I am so excited to see the complete site, the music area is very promising and I cant wait for additional song to be posted.
On a personal note, Steve hang in there and keep looking for the bright side of things everyday. Enjoy your children as much and as often as you can. Your older daughters are probably very busy and I know my parents feel they dont hear from me enough. I will start improving that today. Dont give up, keep reaching out to them. I hope your home issue improves there is notthing worse than having problems at home. We are here for you and wishing you the best.
Jason (Jmb066)
Your songs do heal, Steve! Thank you for that gift.
Yes, the dumb working class has no idea of the burdens you bear Steve. I see why you like Obama. He feels the same way.
Jimmy Duggard
Playing in the band, daybreak on the land, etc, dude you know how to write & sing a tune, your studio work is masterful, you give give give while most people take take take, just watch your heart.
You scared me with all that reality. The reminder that we all bear our crosses for the duration...whatever our duration is. We read what you have to say for your insight as a multi-faceted artist who has been able to live most of your life in that capacity and not succumb to the 9-5zombie life that so many of us unfortunately have. I guess the grass really is greener. But if it is, how do we find peace and contentment on our own patch of green?
steve it doesn't get any better than this.
the good times are too easy to take we don't even know they're good times. family is all, a work in progress.
Hi sk, I'm really starting to worry about you lately (especially after reading anon@11.41's comment-but that could just be a psycho posting?). I'm guessing it's something to do with you having to consider moving out of your small Bondi apartment (cos it's probably not big enough for 3 growing girls to share one room), so to find a bigger place in Bondi means big, big $$$ that you may not have...so where to now????? I'm just hoping no-one is seriously ill in your family and I know it's stupid and none of my business to try and guess what the problem is on your blog, but I'm just worried about you!!!
I can imagine your reaction after getting that fine, I wouldn't have liked to be in the car with you that day, sk+anger=scary!!! Parking Fines=Anger, me other half is STILL paying all his fines off in installments atm, because he refused to pay them over the years, but the bastards caught up with him in the end...ooooh it makes me angry! what a waste of money!!
Hope you have good weekend and I'm really looking forward to the new website.
Lots of love from your #1 fan,
Princey
P.S. sorry to hear about your mum Captain Beyond,take care.
"i was so angry the other night i was vibrating"
I've been pretty close to that once or twice. Have you ever been so angry that you've actually seen red? I used to think "seeing red" was just a saying, but at least once when I went well past anger and into fury, I actually remember seeing red. Seriously, Hell hath no fury like a raging eekie. Very intense, and exceptionally unpleasant (to say the least).
I don't consider myself a particularly angry person, as I'm usually not very quick to anger. I've come to realise my rages have much more to do with frustration and feeling stuck that what I would consider just pure anger. So controlling the anger -- while important and necessary -- doesn't really solve the problem.
"aint heard from my big daughters for a while...
it maketh me sad
the distance physically n emotionally between us"
They are at the age where they have to conquer their own worlds and, Steve...you have a very strong personality and I can see where they might need to step out by themselves on an emotional as well as physical level for a while. My advice to you is to initiate some contact without being pushy or needy, even if that contact is not returned. My advice to them: regret is a bitch. Keep up some communication...your dad loves you very, very much.
"wendy says my destiny/fate is to do service
what service is that i say?
writing songs?
she says well i can heal but i cant write songs...
somehow i want some herculean task to perform
maybe "just" writing songs is service
maybe if my songs can heal (as people often tell me)"
Wendy is correct.
Didn't we talk about this in April? Your music has helped so many of us get through some of the worst times in our lives. How can that not be doing a wonderful service?
"occasionally some smartarse says try having a real job!"
Those who have never tried being self employed, especially in a creative/artistic field, will never know just how hard it is and how much persistence it takes to make a living this way. Things people never have to think about when they are employees are suddenly huge issues to the self employed. That's not to say working for someone else is easy -- it's simply pointing out that BOTH have their issues, problems and frustrations. And both the employee and the self employed are needed to make a society function.
ttb.com -- a site worthy of you...and your fans!
Jonny -- I'm so sorry. Truly one of life's most painful times.
(damn...what a windbag I am today!)
SK,
I understand you feelings completely. We all go through some tough times, so worse than others. It's how you deal with that adversity that determines how we survive. I have made some major mistakes in my life, cost me the woman I loved, cost me friends and brought me close to the brink of existence. Moving to a new town, new friends who share my experiences have helped me out. Someone you can talk too and share you feelings will help you more than anything else. It's a lifetime process and patience is the key. Your music has helped me out of some of my troubled times as I am sure it has for many people. Believe in yourself and and have faith. Take care.
Steve - Hey...your situation at home makes me sad for you. I hope you will have the strength of character you need to see these issues resolved in a positive way.
I think your pursuing contentedness is the way to go, because you should find that much of your anger disappears. At least you understand where a lot of this anger comes from (the need to have your own way or the need to control people/things/situations) The fact is, most of us are NOT content - WHEN WE SHOULD BE!!! This is our fault! We get upset because of disappointments and inconveniences, and because we can't get our hands on everything we want, and yet most days/weeks/ even years pass by without tragedy. Most of us will go to bed tonight warm, and well-fed, and our children are safe. Yet - we're angry and we're gonna make others pay! The sad part is that anger takes a heavy toll on everyone in the home.
And forget the people who make stupid comments about having a "real" job. My guess is that these people have always chosen to play it safe and are now inwardly resentful towards those who had the courage to take risks and then succeeded!
I'm praying for you!
And Jonny - I'm so sorry for you. I'm praying for you, too.
anon at 10 01 here,
sorry SK, as much as my first born would have a blast at the palatial Kilbey estate hanging out with your girls, she's staying Stateside with us. Besides, she has to clean her room tomorrow.
In your corner SK.
Jonny - thinking of you.
Hi SK,
I know it's none of my business but I would just like to say that your daughters will always be your daughters, just because they *are*. remember about one week ago you had an anonymous here in your blog, posting bitterness about you. You replied, why are you here? because you love me!!! I mean, even bitterness between people may in fact mean that, deep inside, there is a connection, there is love. I am sure your big daughters love you very much. I guess though, they are adolescents growing up at the antipodes of where you leave. I remember having very little contact with my parents at that age even when we're living together in the same house. So, I guess some degree of detachment is normal for big kids. I think they are aware of the fact that (you said it, I think) you tried to be a responsible dad even in the "dark ages", and I am sure they love you very much, as you do love them. however, it's difficult, and as the father of a 5-year old, I realize I will suffer when my daughter will inevitably turn her attentions from me to somewhere/one else... it's inevitable, and very human.
BTW you're very technological- have you tried Skype? I am sure you can call your daughters more often with that, and you can get eye contact with them, which is very important.
Sorry for all this ranting, maybe it's inappropriate. However, there's a lot of people here who really care about you, Steve. I wish I could say the same of myself.
Peace & luv,
Andreas
Genoa/Italy
Steven,
I am writing this knowing that you will read this and you will edit as necessary. :) I am not looking to read my own words. I just...suspect a few things and perhaps another perspective can help?
Although we have never met, (my experience with meeting my idols has been far from satisfying-what do you tell someone who can take music and lyrics transmute it and then express MY soul? Usually I stutter something pretty stupid and then admonish myself the rest of the evening...) As my friends joke I am the Greek Oracle...lol....and, as I have spent all of yesterday thinking about this post and the posts of the past 4 months, when I began to earnestly read your blog, I have some theories....
I do not see you as an angry at the world man. My gut says you are more angry at yourself.
You have been thru a very challenging couple of months which culminated in your little bunny's successful surgery.
And I suspect your anger is what has fueled all of these changes in your lifestyle and has triggered a yearning to repair and to do better in the future.
Are you perhaps upset with yourself that you missed out on the sort of relationship with your Swedish daughters that you now have with your younger three daughters?
Perhaps you are angry with yourself that your little problem kept you from forming that bond with them?
It is never too late Steven.
I have Swedish stepdaughters about the age of your oldest twins and even living in the same city (Luleå pop 75k) my husband rarely sees his daughters. Being a woman, I find the whole Swedish woman thing a topic worthy of a Ph.D dissertation. :) Their independence is incomparable to any other culture I have ever experienced. In other words, move forward, with no guilt and develop a relationship with them as adults. Again, I do not think it would matter if you were with them from birth to present.
How about inviting the Swedish daughters to visit you in Australia for even a couple of weeks? Swedish Winter coincides with Australian Summer and Swedes NEED a break. This is an opportunity for all of your daughters to get together. Spend some alone time with the two of them and with them individually. Intimacy may not be renewed a first trip or even a second, but this will start the cycle towards that sort of healing.
And if affording the big airline ticket is an issue, I am sure if we got your blog guests and fb fans together, we could gather together enough frequent flier miles to get them to you.
(my comment is too long so this is the end of part 1)
part 2
Which brings me to my main point. I suspect that with Aurora's tonsils and no insurance, you are faced with the realities that these three little girls and your beautiful wife all need you to provide for them.
In your blogs you mention people telling you to get a job in the "real world," your accountant advising health insurance, the $4000 cost, wanting to talk to your successful father about things, your landlady asking for money, recalling the days of taking out a loan for equipment etc etc.
I think you are angry at yourself for not saving some of your money when times were good. (we ALL are feeling that now Steven, if it does make you feel any better) and you are beating yourself up for this....and perhaps now you are angry at yourself because you are feeling older-and you have very young daughters- and right now, being a musician is a bit of a challenge.
You put out a lot of effort and are lucky to get some change from a digital download etc. (my brother is a musician-I have a pretty good idea of the costs of equipment, recording, websites, tour buses etc etc vs what money comes in) And of course, there is that ego that creeps in. You have written some classic songs. Under the Milky Way will outlive you, yet, I am not so sure if your contract has allowed you to benefit from the continued success of this song.
I also think that part of your anger is due to the conflicts with your own spiritual self-that you should not need nor want. That there are billions of people in the world with less than you and you should be grateful. And that you DO need...is really putting you in a spiritual black hole.
I also think that the age old idea that an artist is more pure if he is starving or if he is doing it for the love of art and nothing else-as if the art is elevated by the amount of poverty that the artist experiences. We think of Van Gogh and how he never sold a painting. Yet, he was able to live due to his brother Theo. People forget that. Just like DG Rossetti. His brother William Michael supported him quite a bit-even when he WAS successful. And don't forget the Axl Roses of the world. They bragged about women taking care of them during their spaghetti days. And we could go on. But none of these men had a family that they were supporting.
On the other hand, there was Monet, who painted incredible art, but he was also a great businessman. He had quite the family to support. And William Morris-a GREAT Renaissance man. (and someone had to help Rossetti!) And Burne Jones etc etc etc to now...there was Warhol-ultra hip and ultra successful. And then...Peter Max. I had saved the transcripts from his incredible chat with Larry King and this quote is why:
Cont
PT 3
KING: Most artist do not make money, right?
MAX: It's very, very difficult because, you know, the artists think they can't be media. They think if they're media then they're not serious. Today you've got to be in creativity. Creativity is the key thing for an artist.
How do you become creative? We're living in a universe, which we call creation, and we are all little creators. We have to take it, the creativity from creation, and let it happen. You've got to be very relaxed.
When I make a painting, Larry, it could be a five-, six-foot painting. I anticipate being surprised as what it comes out. I don't come to the canvas knowing what I'm going to paint.
Now, if I paint someone's portrait or I'm doing an airplane for Continental Airline or I'm doing a president, of course I know who I'm painting. But when I'm just painting for the museums, for the galleries, I just paint. I let the song happen.
And then there is Ian Boddy, a British composer of Ambient music. Just this week, another musician lamented how tough getting a gig in Germany was these days. And Ian's response (I have his permission to quote) is advice that I think artists of all mediums need to adhere to:
"Over the years I've learned to fine tune the skill of "the art of the possible" i.e., being pragmatic about which projects will pay and have some degree of commercial success and to balance these with the "art of the desirable" i.e., projects which probably won't pay or have any degree of commercial success but which you believe in and want to do. Finding the right balance between the two is hard but very important to stand any chance of making a living from your musical abilities."
Steven, I think you are doing these things. Just keep on keeping on.
ContSo..it is time to release the anger. The Guilt. The regrets. You have set yourself up for living in the present with an eye to the future, let alone spending all of your time, like many musicians who started when you did.
You have a new website arriving soon Steven-this is a good start. Although I feel I know more than a lot of people, I constantly find that I have huge gaps in my cd collection. I will be thrilled to have an easy to find, comprehensive list of all of your recordings. And...you are in a play (hmmm don't we want to see you on the BIG screen? Or perhaps doing a song for a movie or perhaps your music in the background?) and talking about writing (don't we all think that a dvd talking about songwriting from the man who created such a classic song as UTMW would attract some students? How about an online course? Or a weekend songwriting retreat?) and I assume you are still painting as well. I have an artist friend that believes her pin up art should be available at all prices. From 5-10 dollar postcards of her work to $20 dollar calendars to $100 signed prints, to guitars with her paintings she offers a great selection. When I saw the expensive postcards with your art on one side advertising your music on the other, I felt horrible that this was an expensive ad, not a postcard to snail mail-although I now have this great SK picture up on my bulletin board-and it was a freebie.
You have a loyal group of people who follow you. There are more out there-they just need to know this and to find you. As fans, I think we need to do a better job in supporting you and promoting you. I see on your blog homepage, we can pay to your blog. This week, I will start to pay for the poetry and art that you bring to my life...and encourage everyone else. We need to support what we love.
And we love you.
xo
g
after reading all these comments, i cry and i cry, i need you all like never before, this planet i call pain will never go away...
Jonny not so Hollywoodish these days
jonny? man, my thoughts are with you...
i can say with almost absolute certainty that everybody who reads this blog has times of dissatisfaction and anger.....me included.....did my life turn out the way that i wanted it to? there are fantastic elements of my life but again it's the old 'if i had my time again i would do things differently'...shit yeah, i would have had the balls to grab life by the balls and face the world with confidence and go out into it instead of hiding in a shell......but as the story goes, you make your bed, you lie in it, right?
love always......
if you had got a real job 20 or 30 years ago and stuck loyally to it you would probably at this age be lucky to have been made redundant with a payout, more likely you would have been edged out ten years ago from redundancy or just pushed out and driven insane from competitive colleagues and or ignorant bosses etc, that is if you had stayed in public service, if in private enterprise probably ditto, but with less chance of redundancy payout and you would also have been lamenting the fact that you did not do what you should have been doing all your life
so be relieved and thank god that you have a self employment scenario and unlimited opportunities at every step of the future even if times are difficult now
Perhaps you could shed a little light on the people who are building timebeing dot com for you? it would be good to know about this TB team and what their interests aspirations and experience is because if we want to help you it would make it a bit more inspiring and personal to deal with actual people than just a form, I like to know who I am writing to about things
many thanks
isolde
Steve,
while the following may not lighten your current disposition a great deal I thought you may be keen to know that both untitled #23 and "Operetta" have made Top 20 for 2009 in UK Music Fanzine "Holding Together" - slowly the world turns to admire the beauty in its' midst !
so sorry about your mom, jonny. hugs to you and you mom.
steve, i used to deal with a lot of anger issues until i realized that a lot of it was over things i couldn't control. although i am still somewhat sensitive, i try not to dwell on the things i can't control and deal with what i can. sometimes it's a great struggle.
you're very unique, steve, don't forget that. and there's a LOT of people who love and adore you. don't pay any attention to the idiot who says you need to go out and get a "real" job. it ain't all it's cracked up to be. it's tremendously stifling to one's creativity. and besides, you do work.
anxiously awaiting the new website. it's going to be such a treat!!
lotza love.....
see you all at the time being dot com...
Jonny Hollywood
steve....anger IS an energy...channel it!
jonny....big bone-crushing cyber-hugs.
Anon at 10 01 here Killer,
farewell old blog. you were always a pleasant, quick read to sneak in during the work day whilst madness swirled around like so many blood-mad mosquitos. The poetry, stories and videos were all well received on this end and I look forward to much much more.
SK- we're with you for the long haul. From my first taste of your magic, seeing you on that tour with the Bunnymen, through countless record shops(all but 2 deceased), mail orders, crappy quality bootlegs tracked down at shady music conventions, internet orders, tours at venues big, small and remote(fuck, that Sellersville's hard to find sometimes), I look forward to thetimebeing.com and all the goodies you have in store for us.
Peace to you and yours and...guess I'll tune in tomorrow!
posted a comment yesterday; but connection got lost and thought perhaps better not try again/wasn't meant, but --
Driving through the Avenues on way back from errands; as approaced a major intersection a bus came lose from it's electrical line -- it was a double bus and it was very long and you just see your next moments sitting there, waiting -- it blocked the whole of the intersection. There we were all to sit in our cars until it cleared. A young man came up next to me at the intersection in his car with beat box music blaring so loud and nasty spoken lyrics that just sounded angry and rude. Oh my gosh -- this is going to cause someone an overload. I don't know why I did, but instead of rolling window up to try muffling his sounds for my own benefit --- which it was so overwhelming the sounds would have still vibrated [through our cars anyway], I turned my own stero up all the way. At that moment, last song from HofB had started...
amazing! the young man rolled his window up and turned his own noise down... but: the people around started smiling and eye contact was bouncing everywhere... and they were happy. It was fun to watch. An old black man standing on the corner was rythmically nodding with a smile, 2 young highschool age kids looked at me as if we were all cool.. Maybe they'd never heard [it] before, but whatever it was they were listening to on that corner at that moment, made everyone light up with joy. Thank god for dark sunglasses; the energy for those few moments was blinding... and it was good.
Amazing how a beautiful song written with such truth for the love of a child can bring everyone comfort and hapiness in the middle of what was to otherwise turn to be a truly torturous intersection without.
So I thought as I waited, how can anyone be angry about getting a ticket when they knew it was a no parking zone, if they knew of how happy we were in a traffic mess of an intersection. (Even the young man in the car with the nasty loud music looked over at me an smiled. Thank God for dark sunglasses.)
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