grab

in the swirling caverns of slightly bent light
the words drifting down into the darkness
receiving nutrients from above
we are just men and women
we appear
we flourish
we wither
we disappear
some as useless as me
spin words out of the nothingness that surrounds us
impermanence is the swamp from which we crawled
oblivion shall be its name henceforth
this is where go
****************
2007 big deal
same old jive, clive
same old 123
same old news years revolution
delerious imbeciles high on idiot glands
their magicless music
causing enervation from 5 miles away
shield me from the rape and murder
release me from my bonds
ive had enough
ive seen enough
guess i needed another swing in the ring
guess i gotta shoulder my responsibilities
guess i gotta save money and save people
guess i gotta burn you a painkiller
who is there left to decipher it
why am i always idle yet too busy to do anything about it?
i hate kilbey
make him go away
im sick of his tricks
im sick of his dips
im sick of his me me me
im sick of him complaining about himself in faux 3rd person like this
im sick of the mess and the half finished detritus of dreams
im sick of the cockroaches and ants and mosquitoes
im sick of the fucking flies and the crawly little worms
im sick of the blocked ringing ears and the heat
im sick of the drugs and im sick of being sick of the drugs
im sick of that voice
im sick of that touch
inside im shrinking from him
inside kilbey
where i have been reduced to a point
in his confused murky skull
sloshing around in a shallow sea
the graves where he buries his old flames
still smokin' after all these years
is death good
is death bad
is death a white lady
or is death just the cessation of life
is there a hell
will it hurt when i die
how heavy is my soul
will it be this year or the next
if i can get back , will i
or would that frighten you
if you go first then leave me alone please
can you imagine?
2007 a lotta people found out the truth i guess
lotta ways to go
lotta ways to get there
life outsmarts ya
life plays you along
life seems to care and not care
chance is chancey
mayas flames burn and burn
you learn the truth but you still go on in lies
kilbey makes a loada noise
kilbey chucks around some paint
kilbey strings up some words
kilbey becomes meaningless
kilbey is a concept youve dreamt up
your kilbey bears no relation to the real kilbey
the real kilbey doesnt exist
the kilbey you invented is a convenient rationale
no one cares kilbey
why dont you go
see you next year kilbey
go into 08
go into legend
go into shadow and obscurity
we know your tired
we know youve pushed it
we know you cant keep going this way
take the holiday you cant ever have
go away for a few minutes
have a dry cracker and an olde bottle of water
have you gone mad
is this the pendulum as it swings
did you want to make everyone else feel glum
oh sorry kilbey says
oh he looking old in this light
he seems unable to focus his thoughts
he mumbles
he tugs at his ear
listen
kilbey is whispering something to us
closer
closer
we listen
greybeard
thinlips
yellowteeth
whisper
whisper
whisper
what is he trying to say
listen so carefully
finally
we hear it
this is it
his message
have a happy new year
for the time being.....

wasnt i meant to write something pithy about the year thats gone....?

2008
calenders spin
years tear off like pages and fly away
technology frightens me
its incessant insistence on change nobody wants
its intrusions
its cancers
its speed cameras
its unknown costs
my room full of invisible signals passing through me
pornography, astrology, hotmail, gmail, whole encyclopaedias
all moving thru the air
piercing me deeply
penetrating every organic thing
christmas an empty ritual
the children want the toys
the grownups need a holiday
ok
so we cut down pine trees
and wait for an imaginary geezer
to drop down our chimneys
people slurp grog and gawk at sport
what is this dimension missing from me
that i have been screaming for all my lives?
why does hardly one else seem to miss it?
why couldnt i have been happy with the tinny and tv?
what do i see in my crystalline balls for 08?
more war
more disaster
more politicians crooked bullshit
more people in jail
i dunno
a cure for this or that disease
men and women who sacrifice their lives
someone'll get fat
someone'll get thin
someone will run off with somebody else
life will become simultaneously easier and harder
islands go under yet water becomes scarcer
here in bondi
it is like a total beach resort town type trip
ferris wheels
dance parties
irish n english boys carrying slabs of beer
the new mexican palms a'waving
queues outside every restaurant
me n minna n vilma from sweden eat felafels
shady characters abound n then some
drunken pushy thugs n loudmouth bullies
oh all the things that will happen in this bondi night
the heat and the sea and the beer
people hanging off the rafters
the pubs are overflowing
aftershave
sex
youth
violence
money
alcohol
drugs
the promises of the bondi night
the parties full of cocaine and docile beauties
on the balcony yelling thru the cigarette smoke
walking along the shore at 4 am tripping outta yer mind
holding hands with someone you just met from fuckin bulgaria
getting hit in the head with a surfboard
sunburn and cold sweat
the sting of the light
the great european fear of the shark
and spider
and snake
smoking hydroponic weed and havin' an anxiety attack
the jellyfish leaves welts
the sand is everywhere
in the grass small thistle like things are agony
the birdshit is corrosive...it melts paint in one or two days
the party pills can be lethal
people overheat and convulse on the wrong stuff
idiots roar down one way streets doing 70 miles an hour
parking police are everywhere about their pathetic tasks
old jewish bints in supermarkets rudely push in
parties erupt all over the place
voices call out into the hot breathless night
the sea roars
the music drifts
the losers cry
the winners scoff
the victims wine
the sugar daddies say "what are ya wearing?"
the cops say theyll help ya find ya wallet but dont expect to
the juice bar man says "whos next?"
perry says "pam left me..i got the bizness now"
pam says " i left perry ...i got the bizness now"
the hairdressers snip snip spray spray
the manicure joint cover yer nails in poison colours
the billboards screams best and worst bodies of 2007
the heroin dealer says " i'll be there soon"
the guy at the bar says " my wife doesnt understand me"
his wife says to his friend " ive never done this before"
the ambulance man says " ok this is gonna hurta little"
the seagulls fight over the overflowing bins
taxis comin' and goin'
buses wilting under the strain
the fashion shops open late
a market with jewelry sunglasses n massage
the coke dealer says no more credit
the real estate says your rent has increased
the garage says your blah blah is about to go
the world says be this be that
god says im busy
families clash and divide
things fall apart
the stars recede
the night fades
we are left
in nothingness

i-podless in gaza

it said dont do it
but i did it
i did it for the hundreth time
accidentally
but i did it
what did i expect?
it was ok the othertimes
perhaps they were just being overly cautious
when they said dont do it!
hey steven says grant
what part of dont do it do you understand
dddont dddo it!
anyway
but i did it
i unplugged my pod from the lap top
before it said i could or should
guess what
i killed my baby
i shot my poddy dad
i erased her mind
i blew her cool
now shes empty
my laptop dont even know her name
nothing inside her
full of emptiness
deep sadness comes over me
move on! orders dr polinski
you gotta move on....
but but but
one ray of light
ricki myarmoury
that famed utility player
that guitar slingin' hippy shaking beatnik
he can help me restock my poor empty one
but some stuff
oh dear
that was it
one offs n lost cds
gone forever magnetic heaven
magnetic field mice trapped in oblivion
today i am cold shut down in disbelief
my ear problems re-turned
cant swim
the kids going crazy
eg
i take scarlet kilbey out for a walk
she wont walk
like an obstinate mule
in the blistering sun
arguing the bleedin' toss with a 2 year old
you think its funny
but
it ent
*
weather is hot
i feel blasted
powerless literally
nonetheless i percy-vere with yoga
my only saving grace
which almost cancels my other bad habits
but
not quite
fans blow in the house
cockroaches abound
flies buzz around and i swat at em
with my red australia shaped flysquatter
fuck em!
i love that feeling when you connect a good backhand
that ever so slight sound
as the fly gets knocked into its next incarnation
hey knucklehead
yeah you
you can 'ave a fuckin' go at me now
you know hypocritical bastard n all that
oh?
you didnt think vegos could swat flies and crush cockroaches?
well this one does!
or dont come in my house!
*
something is missing in me
my compassion...or something
i feel quite angry and restless and unfulfilled
i feel like i dont wanna hear loud noises
or be jerked around
im not hungry
or am i nauseous
should i be worried about my hallucinations
and the blood freely flowing from my hands
i am not crazed but im glazed over n underglass
sod off with yer happy gnu year
spare me your platitudes
no year is ever happy
time curdles in my eyes
and my paintings melt in arctic darknesses
that suddenly appear where my music was
i pound the plane
bound in one single chain
a killer and a heretic
yeah thats right
i think evolution is baloney
so is the war
any fuckin' war
i think the "straights" are winning if not one
i think painkiller will increase the pain
i think im unbelevably handsome
until i look in the mirror
hey its not fair!
i know im 53 but.......
i believe in hindu gods
who whisper nectar-like
if your heart can ever still its noise
i believe that anyone who says
such n such happened 25 million years ago
is
guessing
i believe life is studded with dilemmas for us to solve
some have no right choice
a choice of agony
or addicted to painkiller
i believe its too late to ask
and i believe its too early to tell
im a smart little monkey with the words
aint i?
if i met myself somewhere
i'd probably punch myself in the doppelganger
im sick of myself
sick of my sick mind
minding my sickness
hobble bubble hippy dribble
toil and trouble
struggle time being
struggle in your delusory webbing and net
i contradict myself
outside myself
up myself
beyond myself
ego screams and screams and screams
quoting my words to myself
listening to songs i couldnt write
i churn out a series of souless seances
i learn a new language
i appropriate funds
i gamble and i gambol
i fleece em
but they skin me alive
i am angry with you
yes you
you know who you are
so so so so so
angry
with you
burning in my hot pitta temper
my mind like the sahara
with no compassion
no oasis of patience
no time for anyone
stop prodding me through my cage
take your implant out of my eyes
let my planet walk away unharmed
kill bush
kill whalers
kill killers
kill time being
kill anyone who disagrees
arrange the executions
execute the arrangements
i painted myself into a corner
i sung myself to a standstill
i gave n gave
i took n took
i lied to you in all honesty
i stabbed you in my imagination
i dived into the peeling back waters
i'm too big for you
its gonna hurt
didnt i warn you?
the children fight and laugh and fall out the windows
my car exploded and blew off my head
and my head gasket
i only have 3 eyes now
i am a reptilian devil dressed up as an olde hippy
i am the strangler of the deep
i am the masked foot of oblivion
i am the kiss of the marsh
i am a sinker
i am a hook
i am vicious bird attacking your back
i hurl insults at the dead flies
i cook my headless mind in a broth of ignorance
people chase me down my street
horrified by my ugliness
they string me up an pelt me with confederate money
voices next door
someone moaning and screaming
infuriated i go over there
and i burn the place down
i rob a river bank and send a duck bill
i writhe in my stupid impotence
i boil my existences
i audition for hell and i got the job
im tired of messin' with ya
dont make me kill you again
i terrorize rockpools with my agent orange
i demonize satan
i impose on this universe
i crush and crash
i lash and bash
i am everything
you never thought
how good is that?

the children are all monsters....

saw beowulf last night
at imax in sydney
biggest screen in the world
like the size of three story building
plus
it was in the new 3D
forget that olde malarkey with the blue n red cellophane
this is the real deal
look
i thought this fuckin' film was amazing!
maybe the best cinema experience i ever had even
anthony hopkins as the olde king
malkovich as a slimey advisor
the dude playing beowulf was incredible
course they are in it and they arent
its some kinda hybrid computery doo dah
excellent stuff
only slightly ruined by angie jollys lack of nipples and genitalia
ok i can see the genitalia would not make it
then give her some pants
cos that smooth barbie nothing is ridiculous
but
the nipples
c'mon
a great big pair of bazookas yet no nipples
to me
thats more obscene than the nipples ever could be
jesus
how can a nipple be obscene?
can us grown ups be allowed see the anatomically correct version?
theres also a bit of malarkey with beowulfs whatnot
he strips naked to fight the first monsta
who is a falling apart disgusting 'orrible thing
(like you know who...that olde singer)
and we can tell by the queens expression
that our hero fights with a broad n long sword
but from that point in
beowulfs anglosaxon weapon
is hidden behind all kinds of convenient things
now i know that people say i look like this guy
and i just wanted to see if we were really similar
in all respects
but now i guess i'll never know
the film is marvellous in its 3Dness
when he dives in the water
the viewer is suddenly in water too
arrows and coins and blood and bodyparts whizz past
talk about really being there...
i loved this film
i wanna see it again
i give it five stars and two moons
a good one
see it!

shadows of love/overcaste day

dave mccomb looks out from a piece of good quality acid-free paper
his portrait is almost done now
could be easy one of my best yet
he stands in front of a blue sky
a silver lake (in silver paint)
trees and flowers
australian summer
everything is textured
his blue black hair
is a combo of paint n pastels
corduroy jacket
barky tree
leaves
in the endless silence
the dreamy haze
the wide open road
its midday now and shadows of love have fled
strangely enough mccomb is tracking down a familiar figure
miles away the familiar figure is checking his boiling radiator
while the girl simply known as the girl
sits in the car
waiting
we, spirit-like
zoom into this song-painting-reverie
what are we doing here
in this hot day
and this shimmering summer haze?
in the debris of childhood nostalgia
and the burnt australian trees
the sandy tracks running hither n thither
we see the man get back into the car
thinning blondish hair almost bald
strange blue eyes slightly askew
oh such a kind smile
broad shoulders
and small feminine hands
hes wearing a baseball cap and a striped tshirt
a pair of blue serge workpants
why its.....grant mclennan!
yes yes
now grant had told me this
when i had said
that the wide open road was spectacularly wide and open
he had said
and i deemed it one of his jokes
he had said
why steven
that road was my road too
no i exclaimed is this a joke
listen steven he said
look to the end of the wide open road
there youll find cattle....and cane
but why grant why i asked
and how do i fit into this?
grant gestured to the girl in the car
waiting for him to fix the radiator
she who was his
will now be mine
you mean that he...?
yes said grant
and at the very end
maybe even not there
he will give you the clue
that i am the quarry
the elusive otherman
i stole his baby
she broke his heart
now we drive through these songs
and youve painted him after me...
somewhere by a still silver lake
in a painting and several songs and a blogge
and now i guess
your imagination,
dave finds a still smouldering fire
or
a piece of her dress snagged in a thistle
he hears the birds calling in distant trees
he thinks about the girl
he thinks about grant
he thinks about grants songs
he thinks about heroin and he thinks about booze
he thinks how the band will laugh
when they hear how great this new song is
and he fixes his stare on a horizon
determined
forever youthful
gaunt and tall
a vengeful preacher cum lawman
a crazy angry frustrated fun lovin' genius
a brooding jealous guy with murder in his mind
a lost soul in the west australian wilderness
a deadman trapped in some olde singers painting
his skin pastels
his hair gouache
the lake metallic silver that holly bought me
maybe i dreamed this up
was grant telling me the truth?
was that balmain or a hundred miles north of albany?
mccomb reaches out in the darkness now but shes not there
grant
how do you think it feels....sleeping by yourself?
listen steve
at the end
youll hear it cattle and cain
no grant
no i listened
i keep thinking i'll hear it
but i never do
go back to the enmore steven
hold on, im coming with you
im almost with you steven ha ha! said grant
he talks to the girl in the car
the runaway girl
mccombs girl, now mclennans
he claps me round the shoulder
we are at enmore early 90s
theyre playing that song that one i love
that one i wish i'd written
the one i want to sing myself
you can sing it steven says grant
anytime you like he says
no grant i say
that song is not yours to give away
meanwhile the band come to the end of the song
where i thought the song and the painting and the road would end
but instead of an end
the band start to improvise around a theme
listen says grant
i listen
my hair on my neck is standing
the ghostly indistinct sound of the pedal steel
the keyboards stretch out like my gouache skies
the guitars interlock against the bass
and grant snaps his fingers
and i can hear it for a passing moment
that familiar riff
that passing nod
that brief allusion
so it was all true..?
i say to mccomb as he pokes through that campfire
he turns and stares at me and his lip curls
kilbey!
and he disappears into the trees
was it true?
i ask grant
still fiddling with that boiling radiator
while the girl waits
and waits
listening to that fremantle radio show
playing a mix of old aussie hits from the eighties
and grant looks at me with his blue clear eyes
that are slightly askew like jesus' eyes
and he said
is what true?
my song
his song
your song
the painting
the girl
the eighties
anything?
finish the painting he said
sing that song
like you sing my songs
and you sing our songs
but...? i said
but what? said grant
do you think its ok with him? i asked grant
grant smiled
steven i am the last person to ask
and he gestured sadly to the girl
but
grant said
but i would hazard a guess
that hes probably quite happy
so go and do what you wanted to do
while you still can
steven
while you still are able to.....

serf music

north bondi
the family sways like a caravan
laden with towels and snorkels and buckets and hats
the white aromatic flowers
the honeysuckle
roses red and cream
lavender
purple berries
the variation in the leaves
the zephyrs amongst the foliage
the quiet of boxing day
the suburbs by the sea dream deep and green
the houses and their lovely gardens
only a few cars on the roads
the weather is perfect
25 degrees
a cobalt blue sky with unusual clouds
a thousand types of trees
red brick houses
mod apts with all cons 3 bed 2 bath
flats old and white
we arrive at beach
the water is full of tiny beautiful weeds suspended
the water is cool and refreshing
it is clean and energizing
i bodysurf the gentle hills of water and weeds
the sun illuminates the glassy bulbs and stems
gold glints in the sand underwater
the people are all happy
tourists from all over the world
big ones
sunburnt ones
beautiful men
hideous women
beautiful women
hideous men
fat kids
skinny old blokes
italian executives with their families
bondi locals with ferocious tans
rubbersuited surfers with cottonwool blond hair
the japanese surfers hair goes orange
young lovers
gays with adonis physiques
indians and africans
swedes and danes and all the rest
all on bondi getting slowly irradiated
under our ozone-depleted sky
yeah gonna be some sore customers tonite-y
scarlet in pink bodysuit with zip
the water makes her scream with delight
to her it is a permanent wonder
a man sells sno-cones in twenty supa-arty-fishal flay-voors
the kids indulge and hit hyperactivity in zero to a hundred in five secs
yeah yeah i know its bad for em
but i had that gloop as a kid and theres nothing wronga with me
as you can all tell by my omnipotence
anyhow the seaside was all you might hope
in this festering festive season
nice vibes
a great assortment of people to goggle at
some excruciating g-string things happning tho
no bloke can wear em
they look terrible on any man be he straight or otherwise
jesus they look bad on everyone really
whats the point?
why not just have a bare bum?
strangely enough
as the cheeks come out
the bosoms are disappearing
bondi in 80s was breast feeders pair o' dice
i mean swing low sweet chariot and busty substances
funny how the sun and sea de-eroticizes it all tho
its hard to believe for some of my male friends in the u.s.
where bare breasts on beach
is of terrorist threat-like proportions
now that is seriously fucked up
why are a pair of boozies a dangerous thing?
beats me
i thought they were for feeding our children with...?
but im a hippy i guess
anyway i never feel good about seeing some euro pale bint
frying her bluetits in the sun
so im quite happy if they all stay inside
at least in max radiation hours 10am to 4pm
i think its lovely that everyone can swim down there tho
and no one gets laughed at or would feel embarrassed
tho i saw a woman today
a very big woman from england
with a tiny little husband or boyfriend
egging her on
as they frolicked together in the surf
lewdly feeling each other up and snorting
her bikini at least five sizes too small in some places
and five sizes too big in others
this massive woman had no backside to speak of
it was a flat plane
and her cozzie hung off revealing all
from which i couldnt drag my eyes
like watching a house burn down
or an accident scene
it seems half the beach was witnessing these shenanigans
but they performed their courtship rituals oblivious
to the curious humans on the shore
as this giantess left the ocean
her tragedy of a bathing suit hanging this way and that
her tiny white puny man followed behind
and in his eyes
i saw
the gaze of a man in love
and people
their love
made me
feel so
happy
yes it did!

kilbeys krissmus

i am the time beeing
i am 53 earth years olde
i am among the best and worst
i listen to oophoi right now on shuffle
i sit in my dirty crowded spare bedgeroom
i call my studio
on my eisel a portrait of david mccomb
stares out into space
and im proud of myself
it looks like 'im
this portrait and an article im yet to write
will be for a book about mccomb/triffids
being put out by a couple of melbo academics
funny to find myself considered such an authority
david and i were rivals i guess back in the day
there wasnt room for too many angry geniuses in australia
mccomb was younger more spontaneous and weirder than me
i heard about this guy long before i ever saw him
how amazing he was
ye olde killa not like to hear this in 1983 or whatever
people threw the triffids in my face
before i even heard a note
the triffids do this
the triffids dont do that
finally they opened for us at the great northern hotel
i couldnt tell ya what year it was 82 83 ?
i saw half a song
delivered my foregone conclusion of judgement to myself:
fucking amateur hour.
you see the olde killer
neither cares for excessive professional showbiz malarkey
(eg bono chris isaak robbie willy-ams)
neither do i like youth club stuff
(arctic monkeys most punk bands etc)
well
i snubbed em in the corridor
iva always ignored me
and it kinda impressed me that he did
so i thought that was always the way to go
and i tried not to ever have to speak to anybody else
in the music biz
anyway someone told me later
mccomb had said
only a girl would like the church
(remember this was the pretty daze)
and that was that
till in 1984 the triffids got hailed as the next big thing
in english press
i was jealous and envious
in 1984 i was 30
dave was only 24 and he was killing it it seemed
unfortunately the triffids didnt make a lot of money or anything
but boy did they get good reviews
born sandy devotional was hailed as a masterpiece
bullshit i thought
holed up in sweden during a freezing winter
anyway wide open road came out
how could you argue with that song
i secretly(hiding from my own nasty mind) bought b s d
it was/is a masterpiece
now im painting david who i never really met
i remarked to mr g lee
that david would spin in his grave
to think of me singing his songs
and waxing lyrical over his abilities
no no said graham
he would like it
you guys are very similar!
anyway
david
if you out there with grant somewhere
im gonna do my best with this portrait and this essay
it will be an honour to sing with the triffids at the syd fest next year
im singing a load of really good songs
including my favourite
stolen property

had a stupid argument with twillies lastnight
at family xmas do
bad timing killer
but twillies leave their dad only 2 possible options
accept what we do
or we'll storm off in a huff
listen
i told them
i told their mother n her husband
i told my brother
and whoever else
i dont even know what i want
i dont know what rules to have
i know i dont want em roaming sydney on nye
whoops shouldnt have used word "roam"
they seize on that
and flounce off yelling at me
i tell em sydney is bigger n nastier than stock-home
but jesus christ
they know it all
soon everyone is arguing with everybody
while the twillies have slunk off upstairs
to have fun with their friends
something in my heart says stop now
but i keep going arguing with the swedes
smoking pot to them is absolutely forbidden
while overnighters with boys can be tolerated
me: its the complete opposite!
i hate it when i hear myself arguing on n on
in a loud hoarse voice
this daughter dilemma is a tough one
i need more patience and faith
but some things i'll never agree with
imagine what itll be like when scarlet is 16
and i'll be 67
what chance will i have...
but dad all the kids have got implants in their lobes!
i dont wanna be a relic from some bygone era
but theyre pretty quick to cast you as that
if you disagree
with em climbing over fences to get into festivals or something
me!!!
the anti-"straight"
ex junkie poet and rocknroll zero a layabout a beach bum
now im the olde guy who never understands

thanks to h heart
and ryan whos no slow coach
for gifts
and isolde for keyboard thank you
anyone else
im sorry my room is an explosion again
the kids
the gigs
the ears
the broke-dom
the mess
the dope
if i forgotten your gift
thank you
really
i appreciate it
thanks for my subscribers
you are making it possible for me to do this
now
someone sent me some ginseng from korea
thank you my friend
its about a year supplys worth
that should keep my pencil well leaded
someone else from china
sent me some stuff
some medicines
i have no idea what they are
no english instructions
can you please give me some advice here
if youre reading this
ricki
if you reading this blog
ive nearly run out of stuffing for my soy turkey
and the stuffing man is having the day off
so get thyself stuffed if you can
before you come over
anyway
theres always tomorrow
and threemorrow
sk xmas 2007 n bondi aust

christmas eve and aurora

further thoughts on fremantle
when we arrived
there was a tight cordon of security
they wouldnt let us in the grounds
peter was coming the raw prawn with some big dumb sec guy
peter points at me
see him , hes a living legend
if he has to walk in, the crowd will rip him apart
the sec guy sticks his big head in to look at me
gee he thinks he sure dont look like a living legend
after a lot of argy bargy we are getting no where
look mate says sec guy
i been told no more cars
we're fucking entertainers says pete
good says the guy now park somewhere else
in the compound a slim bald headed guy appears
hes dressed in a gold shirt and has a bunch of laminates
round his neck
is that the promoter says peter
it must be i say though i no idea why
i jump out and past sec guy
i walk up to the guy in gold shirt
im in the church i say
uh huh says the gold shirted one
they wont let us in i say
really? says goldman
well can we come in? i ask
he appraises the situation
yeah come in
he waves our car on
and the sec guy fades away
peter drives triumphantly through the gate
the guy in gold shirt walks off
wow hes got some clout here
an hour later the 1st band the smoking somethings go on
the guy in the gold shirt is the bass player
but isnt that the promoter i ask someone else
him? no! hes the bass player in that group. much laughter....
you see folks, its that easy
thats all it takes
to get in to a big gig
a bit of luck n a bit of nerve

i noticed that the divs played the 1st song
for a long long while
before lady christine joined them
in fact
the intro went round and round and round
it wasnt picking up any momentum either
eventually the singing started up
apparently
she was unaware the band was starting up
and was otherwise engaged
you see
all that organisation
and then no one tells the star shes on

in perth i buy nk some bath bombs for christmas
i buy myself a disposal shirt and some stupid iron on patches
my fuck you you fucking fuck patch
is not the hit i had expected it to be
hmmmm
airport
i peruse books
i see pleasure n pain chrissys book
i stand there n peruse it
hmmmmmmm....??!!!
lotsa intimate details in there
god
what a voyeur i feel reading this stuff....
all about charlie and mark m etc
i almost buy it
when i see ronnie woods book
imaginatively called
"ronnie"
woody
the arch diamond geezer
jack the fucking lad incarnate
instantly lovable madcap groover
smoking fags
snorting coke
free basing
drinking like a fish
jesus
look at him on the cover
nearly sixty
his amazing rockstar hair
long after keiths went thin and frizzy
ronnies rooster do is black as ever
perhaps the ultimate in old school rockstar hair
the missing link between keith n rod
talk about heavy weight names to drop
dylan this
clapton that
barbra streisand tony curtis
every blues legend still above ground
and of course
the ever present keith
the blue print for every guitarist ever
from izzy straddlin' and joe perry
and one million others
keith
wild guntoting smackshooting drinking smoking keith
man
woody
and i tell ya
he is a great musician
his writing style is not that great tho
its a bit superficial
he talks about being locked in bathrooms
for weeks on end
freebasing cocaine
as if its all a bit of a giggle
maybe it is
when yer a rolling stone
and ya can give one to pms wives
and get outta jail free
and maybe it dont matter if you spend 70, 000 on coke
in a couple of weeks
when the dough rolls in like woodys must
or of course
rod and ronnie dressed up like doctors
doing gynaecological examinations of groopies
mmmm not sure how pc that is, actually ronnie
woody laughs it all off
hes just a very lucky geezer having a bit of fun
anyway its a pretty enveloping read
and i three quarters finished it on way home from purf

today
took kids for swimmy
blah blah
scarlet scared of me
when she wakes up and sees me here this morning
boo hoo daddy shes crying
she needs nk to bolster her confidence
anyway
i got wicked game and science fiction stuck in my head
which im thoroughly tired of by now
thats it
seasons gleetings!

free-o.....such is life

free o oval
big rock show
seems they didnt sell many tix
they stick chris isaak on
but still not sold more
they give away loadsa tix
5 thousand or so
little birdy play before us
katy steeel sister of luke from sleepy jackson
tiny girl with hi heels
theyre ok
like pretenders 30 years later or something
they didnot project however
why...i couldnt say
we went on
we were intense
we blasted em with both barrels
i told a few jokes
they laughed
no lights at all it was 630 in summer
crying like a fire in the sun
we play milky whey
yeah hooray hooray hooray
we give em block
a half hearted kinda encore...?
nah
nope
thats it
we slap hands
hey we did well out there
chris isaak appears
hey didja leave something for me up there? he says
hes weird up close
lovely lovely head of hair
weird nose
like matt damon
the rest of his band are goofy chubby dudes
dressed in black cowboy suits
very nice
very friendly
they go on
its getting darker
the lights and smoke starting to work
they start up first number
its a chuggy chuck berry rocker
very basic stuff
the crowd go apeshit
in one second of that first song
chris isaak obliterated everything else gone on before
totally gone
hes got jokes
show biz routines
hammy gags with the other guys
he changes into a mirror suit
he has a loada local girls dressed up in skimpy cheerleader garb
they crowd scream deleriously
a whopper encore goes on n on
he kills it
he slays em dead
afterwards huge crowds rush his dressing room
the drummer chucks drumsticks
and people fight over em like 100 dollar bills
the divs go on
seemed they were strugglin' but i dunno
we left after 3 songs
all the crew at the gig were telling us
oh boy you guys were so good
we should just do gigs for crew
anyway
there ya go
show biz
never work with animals kids or chris isaak
fuck
back to the fucking bars
signed
yessadaze manne

purf

how strange the life
of itinerant musician
and wandering knucklehead
flew a bumpy scary flight into ad a layed
my hotel room is eternal twilight
no day no night
just greyness
theb town hall
no reviews?
no one seems to review us much anywhere anymore
i thought we were pretty damned good
slick professonal in time in tune
there am i yoga lunging and all
playing my stupid heart out
yeah ok says the crowd
thats good.....next!
cab hotel
i hadnt eaten all day
cept for some bircher muesli on bondi beach at 9 am
that seemed a million years ago
i tucked into smiths crisps and chocky bars(some vegan, huh?)
i washed it all down with swigs outta my gallon bottle of apricot necktar
jesus if that dont give ya an acid stomach nothing will
woke up next day its dark
well its always dark in this mercure hotel
coz it must fold round open itself
all the windows face ventilation chutes
wow
anyway i force window open
look up chute
the mother of all storms mother
is roaming the adelaidian sky
thunder n lightning
buckets of rainy rain
do yoga and qi gong long session
eat morose n lonely lunch breakfast dinner
in mercures foyer
watching people dash thru the rain
pk comes in wet
he found some absinthe drops at ads happy high shop
and yes they were stinky and potent
we drive to aeroport
plane delayed fer hours n hours
the airports usual free internet
and its usual free air conditioning
were not happening
i sat and sweltered
avoiding the other members and crew
who were sitting round talking loudly
finally boarded
some divinyls on plane
chrissy up front in biz
charlie and bass and keys and other charlie
sitting up back near us
their keyboard player walks past me
gimme a c i say
he stops
whats that give you my seat?
no i say gimme a c
a sea hes saying
thinking this olde hippies flipped his gumbo
no a c i say
still he looks puzzled as he walks off to his seat
then he turns around
oh ... a c i get it...(nervous laugh)
the flight scared me quite a bit at first
and i was too worked up to sleep
people talk to me
i agree to anything
im so miserable up there
at last we land in purf
the most isolated city on earf
sniffy dogs walking up to me
im avoiding em like crazy
as i dont want them to discover my musicians cigarettes
ben cousens the star footy player appears to get his luggage
the media swamp him
hes the guy had the 7 day straight binge on coke
and then collapsed into the arms of his female companion
holy hell
whyd he do it?
cos it felt good i guess
anyway hes been in more rehabs than that guy in revolving velvet
hes also the best player in the west
so go figger
theyre scared that people will decide
that rec drug use and sport can co-exist
eg couso and the other guy from syd
both # 1
and both done more rec drugs
than you had hot dinners
cousens jumps into a 4 wheel drive driven by
you guessed it
a female companion
and theyre both on the mobiles immediately
as they zoom off to get on
one of our crew watches them sadly
we shoulda got some numbers off him he sighs
the next bit is quite surreal
we get invited to a party at mark m from the divs
we drive for a while outta perth
we come to huge tudor mansion
like something outta the avengers
swimming pool
tennis courts
arabian horses
you name it
his mrs is a famed fashion mogul
apparently doing well at the mo
theres catering
and a screen showing old movies
while a pa pumps out hits past n present
their garden goes on forever into the forest or whatevers
out there in the darkness
i sit on a swing chair
chrissy sits between me and pk
shes pretty interested in the church
and she asks us strange questions
(do we love each other?)(nope!)
shes very gracious and kind
i like her actually
she pays me compliment after compliment
and you know
let me tell ya
its just as hard to take as insults
in that i try to deflect them
when i tell chrissy shes an icon
cos her ms announcement
was on front page all aust newspapers
she says how did they spell chrissy?
ie or y ? she demands
turns out it sposed to be y
anyway
we hang about a bit
chatting
i talk to most of the divs
mark is a strange cat
youre doing alright olde son i say
and clap him round the shoulders
not really he shrugs
you should fuckin' come n 'ave a look at my place then
i laugh and stride off into the darkness
im designated driver and the car is bogged in soft sand
takes a while n added help to unbogg it
nice slow cruise back into perth
this morning the weather is like a stockholm summer day
cool and overcast and soft somehow
we play at 630
im not happy
its too early
the sun will be up
phooey
i didnt sign up for that
what choice do i flipping well have
oh well
and only 45 minutes
instead of our hour
guess we're not so special as guests after all
sorry if anyone in perth has forked outta loada dough
to see us
in these conditions
never mind
i'll make the most of it anyhow
thats it
more 2 morro
killer

night mayor

killer
you genius
you fool
you everyman
dream dream dream
your rest-less dream
you shake and move inner bed
natalie dreams on quietly
you try not to waker
oh my olde shoulders ache
my mind
out of control
left to its own de-vices
right out of itself
that stupid mind of mine
which i could gladly badly strangle
a womans voice from the past:
why cant you just be an ordinary person?
and everyone of em
trying to remake me as ordinary
trying to break my spirit
but really meaning to break my mind
knowing full well
what my mind was
what my mind usually liked to do
and what it was capable of (becoming)
my head seems to exert a uneven steven pressure
all over my neck and soldiers
how they rebel against its idiotic ascendancy
deep in my minds ipod
the raspberries were playing over and over and over
eric carmens italian-american perry como piano voice
crossed with the who and the beatles and the small faces
playing over and over in the falcon
now nicknamed tibor
after my old nazi-apologist ancient history teacher
now the dream had put the raspberries into its own version of pro-tools
ED : a music mixing and editing programme
it was playing the same lines incessantly
it was needling them into my brains teeth
it could reproduce it perfectly
scarlet kilbey in the kitchen
ricki and glenni are watching the sk show
first scarlets happy theme song
there she goes by the las
she rocks around jumps into my arms
i move her towards each of the 2 guys in turn
as she moves through the air she fixes her gaze on em
and then bursting into a smile as her nose gets closer and closer
as i move her through the air
she remains rigid in my arms
in a kind of woofle flying posture
like in that picture by botty-jelly
where zephyrus is carrying some hot young breeze
who will blow warm all over venus
he also raped nymphs a fair bit
which apparently is alright if youre the north wind
he had his wicked windy way with one nymph
who, not a nympho
was quite pissed off
and zepho
to make it up to her a little
turned her into prima vera
with flowers bursting out her mouth uncontrollably
jesus
thanks zeph, i feel much better now
WITH THESE BLOODY ROSES COMING OUT MY MOUTH!!
anyway
then scarlet kilbeys poignant song comes on
gabriel by lamb
she turns her head up to the light
which still tried to shine through the clouds
her gaze spoke volumes
her gaze was biblical seductive innocent
it was wildy happy
it was deeply sad
she saw some unsawn entity
some thing unseeable except to scarlet
her eyes widened and the blue became bluer
a subtle film of moisture suggesting a tear that never came
hovering on the edge of rapture and grief and triumph
scarlet was gently moved through the air by her father
enthusiastically pointing out her show-biz eyes to his friends
but scarlet looked like cleopatra and magdalene watching christ
she looked like annie lennox looks when she sings
gazing off across the universes
piercing the seven veils
as lambs lovely track gradually builds in intensity
scarlet reaches some lofty plain
her eyes which have seen the glory of the coming of the lord
her eyes which are saying to a million other eyes
i will never see you again
wise eyes in such a babyface
this paradox does its paradoxical thing
scarlet is one born torch singer should she choose to do so
her instinctive feel for musics joy and melancholy stuns me
she communicates all this with her body
which moves around in a way both graceful and humourous
her husky voice which is always in the right key
and her eyes
which imply endless stories
and implicate you in their distant look
as i toss n tern
her eyes in my mind
lamb join in with the raspberries
flying to addle-laid
city of churches
but not the church
never liked us that much there
tonite thebarton town hall
as 'orrible as it sounds
last time there over twenny years ago
opening for iva iceblock
in his incarnation as greek god
complete with long flowing curly locks
little waistcoats bare feet and karate kicks
which punctuated beginnings and endings
well why not if im doing yoga lunges
anyway i remember some ugly little scrubber
so enamored with ivy
that she stood at the front all thru our set
mouthing silently
fuck off i hate you
or something
she fixed her glare on me and never let up her mantra-hex
as soon as her little hero appeared
dressed as an aussie apollo
she forgetting her disdain of me
screamed and wept and jumped and screamed
oh frabious day
calloo callay
she chortled in her joy
anyway
i could imagine a vague repeat of that in some respects
like the gent in melbo who yelled get off all through our show
as if a plebeian philistine like him
could fuckin' understand how good we are
like a bozo who always eats big macs
trying to review a gourmet vegan restaurant
hey baybee
i didnt care then
i care even less now
yeah i bet shakespeare bores ya as well
you thickheaded planks
casting pearls before swineheards
addle-laid big deal
this is all in my bad dream
in my whirlpool mind
its going round and round
my white hot anger at the blackmail idiot
and the white moths larvae sliding over the kitchen ceiling
not from the vents as ricki said
its an inside job
and theres another thing evolution cant explain
worms and caterpillars turning into moths n butterflies
pure chance gave us the chrysalis
yeah yeah sure it did
thats it im outta steam
i never even got to the nightmare i was gonna tell ya bout
too bad
i forgot

hour farther( witch art in heaven)

so much bullshit to get thru
humanity generates bullshit like ....er...bulls do
the way every sane and reasonable person
knows bush is a complete catastrophe
and western countries invading other places
will only ever always bring grief
and whaling should be a capital crime
thats right
in a cosmic sense
those whales lives are worth as much
(if not more)
(as if it were possible to measure such things)
than some whaler
with no conscience or basic human decency
who would do his villainous and filthy work
despite everything

i was at the beach the other day
and scarlet was over run by jap tourists
trying to film her, photograph her
or the bold ones
who wanted to stroke her golden curls
or pinch her chubby rosy cheeks
she is truly a living doll
but it is a marvel the way
each race can manage to depersonalize the others
to the extent that other peoples become like "animals"
in that
the rules you apply to your own people
dont hold with these outlandish foreign types
imagine if i walked around in japan
trying to film and touch their children
of course the whites are just as bad nay
probably the worst...
finally a foursome of indians approached her
as she played around in bondis equivalent of muscle beach
i moved in
but they were stroking her face n everything
trying to get her to shake hands
(do they think she was a little dog?)
you see
they would never do that on a beach in bombay
to an indian kid
her parents would be outraged
but you know
everybody is a heathen to everybody else
and doesnt really live like the others
so you know
you can fondle strange kids in parks
drop bombs on em
tell em their god is a joke
make jokes about their stupidity
because they are not like us
almost everyone in the world secretly believes this
although the politically correct will deny it
and others like me
struggling against my natural inclinations
and trying to treat everyone even handedly
will want to deny it
but it is there
at the root of all wars
the mistrust
the distrust
the antagonism
the lies
the loathing
the direct feed of this earths history
how the westerners went round
particularly us english types
and brutalized and raped n pillaged
just about everywhere
just like nappy boner-part
just like the romans did
attila the honey
gengis kahnt
and alexander the grate
and the egyptians
and whoever else
jesus its all there
in this indians prodding at my kid
and theyre lucky its me
cos some kids dads from bondi way
that ive met
would be decking the blokes right now
and asking questions later(maybe)
and then the indians would go home and say
see
they are all heathens!
anyway scarlet kilbey who is a genius
is getting touched and trying to move her into position
for a bollywood photo opportunity
despite the fact
that i in my cowboy hat n army shirt n sunglasses
almost six foot tall
glaring at them and kinda coughing
they carry on regardless
namaste i say
what? they all say puzzled for a moment
then
oh namaste yes yes yes they have a good laugh
at my pronunciation
thats ok
their english sounds like spike milligan with a headcold
but thats all superficial stuff
how do you know that word? one asks
but the others continue to paw my daughter
i am so incredulous i fail to stop them
scarlet is looking at me horrified
her eyes say
do you want this to be happening dad?
they quiz me on my hindu credentials
i rattle off a loada stuff
but they laugh and continue to stroke scarlet
finally
the spell broken
i pick her up
when they see us together
they cannot miss the chance
this epitome of aussie manhood
dressed just like a beach bum steve irwin
only scruffier and quoting the gita
and his baby daughter
who although his absolute opposite
in every human characteristic
shes young hes old
shes little hes big
shes female hes male
yet
she looks just like the angry olde fella
whisking her away
please sir...may we
gesturing to their cameras
poised
n
ready to capture us forever
scarlet n i pose
she gurgles and i glare
she sighs and i sigh angrily
as we walk off
i see a trio of jap or korean old ducks
filming her avidly from a distance
and i'd already made it clear before
it wasnt on!
scarlet is incredibly charismatic
she stops people dead in the streets
to all the overseas visitors at bondi
she is their holiday personified
in the shape of a chubby little girl
i can appreciate that
but it dont excuse the manhandling of my baby-childe
i told you before
of nk literally wrestling evie in a tug of war
with a very determined japanese granny
i think this depersonalisation
is connected with the slaughter of animals
we pretend that they cant really love their precious offspring
the way we love ours
despite our heart which says of course they do
if one takes this depersonalization
to its logical extreme
you end up with only yourself
because you can always find a difference in anybody
i do not exclude myself from any of these criticisms
i am as blah blah phobic as the next man
xeno
homo
hydro
arachno
claustro
aggro
whatever phobias they got
plus hypochondria
delusions of grandeur
peter pan complex
superioty/inferiority
sexist
ageist
all of em
and most people
would consider me an ok sorta guy i guess
imagine the bad ones then
anyway
theres yer rave for today
subscribe if you havent
and help put the santa snow on my old windows
to all those who have subscribed
i appreciate it
will continue
to knock out
masterpieces
like this
!?

why killer needs to embrace the paradox

hello faithful friend
truly this western world
has formed my mind
and it has made it so so hard
to embrace the paradox
sweet lord jesus
calm and magnificent buddha
gorgeous krishna
inexorable vishnu
fiery shiva
saraswati playing a fender jazz
the goddess of fortune
her hands spitting gold coins
all of you who exist
yet do not exist
certainly not merely existing
lend me your hands
help me to.....
i cant quite...
the world and my own mind are doing my head in
my fire is burning
i am angry and flushed
the summer
my own pitta nature
the ringing deafened ears
my lack of humility
my lack of patience
my own loud music
my intensity of thought
my focus
my dedication to yoga
which is magic in another guise
my constant penchant for wreck-re-ational drucks
my burning needs
my smouldering hatreds
my feverish aspirations
my scalding scolding tongue
that wags this way and that
my addiction to the ocean
oh i love her i love her so much
respect her
fear her
i try to feel her
i try to ride her
not yet lover boy says the pacific
the atlantic says nothing; she is cold towards me
i know i combine the stupidest and most sublime opposites
i say to you reconcile opposites
you say to me
heal thyself metaphysician
do as you say
not as you do
no i am confused
i seem to contradict myself
even the truth
is the truth what happened while we were lying
i lied about my age
my height
my sex
my nationality
boy will you ever be disappointed
when you crash into the real me
who is now real
a parody of real
cmon stevie boy are you for fuckin' real man
theres the paradox
a parody and a reality can be inseparable
its the exception that proves the rule every time
and you know how many rules there are
so thatsa lotta exceptions
anything proves anything
nothing proves nothing
i aint joe schmoe or rimbaud
its funny friends of mine
you all understand and forgive me
the way i cant myself
i dont want your fattening flattery
i want to just be there
in the place you already made for me
in yer heart or wherever you like to think it is
i am now of course talking to my readers
my listeners
however else you absorbed my phantom-like mojo
yes of course we are on this wavelength
and you know i care for each of you
you real readers of mine
i dont have to name names and blames now
you know if youre with me here
cos
paradoxes erupt in me
i am a peaceful man
but i wish the fuckin' australian and or nz navy
sends a ship down to the south pole
and sinks the first fuckin' ship that harpoons a whale
and the next
and so on
and so on
until they understand
dont hurt the whales anymore, you greedy sick bastards
with your cynical transparent lies and excuses
the whole world decided NO FUCKING MORE WHALING!
and you know why
if we dont
there will be no more whales
and
we realised that it is an abominable cruel practice
we realised that the things humans are cutting up for blubber
could actually be smarter than us.....!!!!
now
i dont wanna spill any human blood
but here i'd make the whalers a promise
then a warning
then i'd see it right through
and fuck em!

someone whos been causing me unnecessary grief
writes to me saying
hows your ear?
cant you understand that you have crossed the line?
always a stranger now i wish to never hear from or about you again
lady, go gently into that good night
p.o.q.

sometimes the big fish
says youre just so nice
yet the big fishes little cheeses
try to push ya round....
hmmmm

strange to find a stranger who knows all yer stranger work
stranger still our new guitar tech wife walked down the aisle
to
fall in love with me
off narcosis plus more and more again
yeah thats a strange wedding song
considering
my fucked up electronic voice telling that sad story
about that man
that charlatan bastard
that lonely stupid addicted monster
hiding in a huge old house
just like mick jagger in performance
but without the women or the "good" drugs
luckily that story was purely fictional
and his wife now a bass player herself
noticed and remarked that i had a bad night at enmore
on the bass and then i knew that she could play
did not have bad night in melbo tho
dear jen you brown jewel
lovely poetess and godmother to my own sweet daughter
what would it avail us to play our hits?
now i please no one
except myself
now i am this olde
i have earned that privilege
if i please them
what would that do?
nothing
they wouldnt come and see us again
they wouldnt even buy anything
cept maybe our greatest hits record if that..
so i care nothing for impressing those
who couldnt use their 2 ears
which lord vishnu designed and gave them for free
if they couldnt tell that we were the bees fucking knees
then playing almost with you
aint either
so
i'd rather
pick up
the stray stranger
who hadnt realised
or had forgotten
that the church
are much more
and much less
than yer average rock band
we have recklessly pursued beauty
through all times and conditions
we have hung together to show you our current take
we are the church
we adhere to rocks great and lofty ambitions
we scorn its self imposed limitations
ive run my race
ive done my bit
ive done it before some of ya were born
i was rocking in some bar in canberra
the capital of this outlandish southern continent
i read jenny browns book about skyhooks
(did i see macainsh outside the forum??)
i rehearsed
i went out n tried to "please" the audience
now im olde and tried
i have invented my own schtick
and then i reinvented it
cmon
im a venerable olde diamond aint i?
im a national treasure aint i?
is there a cooler olde codger than me?
is there any one else combining sexy and senile?
i deserved it all talent wise
i didnt deserve nothing as far as being a real man
and i had to suffer
and lo
i did
and i embraced heroin
no longer a paradox
just a spirit who wishes me harm
who is so much stronger than you will ever imagine
now i popped out of all that
im poor
i got loadsa kids
in my own distorted egoistic opinion
i'm doing what few else (can) do (anymore)
and you know its guaranteed to contain 95% love
and it wont be dumbed down
and it wont be western dribble
and it wont be flaccid meaningless awkward cliched shit
it will be me giving ya what i got
and i say i deliver
i will deliver you
with my music my words my voice
or
see ya later baybee
cos this is what i do
i dont care if i please anybody
i will either jolt you with it
or you wont now or ever "get" it
and now
as i said
who cares?
nope
not me.
yes my friends
the hall of frame would be good in some ways
but bad in others
another paradox
more paradoxes will be forthcoming
lemme embrace

kilbo in melbo

flew into melbo on a dreary sat afternoon
raining dark and cold
weather in sydney: perfect
and yet
melbos denizens had always embraced us more warmly
than sydneys golden children
right from the word glow
when we were beginning
they could more easily dig our trip...
the forum is big old ballroom or something
a warren of corridors backstage
leading into mysterious darknesses
that i did not care to check out for myself
when i arrive at soundcheck
the divs are playing
they certainly "rock"
the church played their s/check with en-rikko mi-ami
on drums
hed also filled in on bass when i was absent with dying ears
(its ok ma, theyre dead now)
him and jorden brebach our soundmixer
could probably replicate anything we ever did
when these guys offer some advice we listen
wheres tim?
my more astute fiendss are asking theirselves
well my little pigs
timmy-bouy was dubble booked
appearing at the spiegeltent
with iota
an important and prestigious gig
booked before the divs thing came about
he finished there
fifteen minutes after we were s'posed to s'tart
he leapt off stage at the tent
ran down the main drag of melbo
carrying his cymbals
imagine
one moment hes playing in the s/tent
have you heard iota fiendss
a cat with an amazing voice
currently doing well in the musical circuit too
and i can see why
rocky horror
hedwig and angry inch
and now
a ballet thingy
you can imagine the tent
and the crowd there
tim playing his gig
(and he loves this gig as much as the church, i'd say
much less stress)
then the gig ends
tim
not really sitting back and relaxing
and getting over the sheer physicality of playing (drums)
etc
he runs off stage hot and sweaty
grabs his cymbals etc
and legs it down this lovely boulevarde
past museums and galleries
some street comic busking a gig spots 'im
hey runaway drummer hes stolen those drums !!!
tim runs past flinders station
and down that street to forum
(lucky these gigs were in running distance)
its a clammy wet warm night
people drift pass
its surrealistic
if you just jumped offstage
offstage
onstage
backstage
how many of you have ever trodden the boards?
you dont think doing yer thing up on a stage
while people watch and clap and cheer
is an addictive hit?
a gnawing nagging desire for more
you get clean of the feeling
you dont play for a year
then
2 or 3 gigs
you start getting the hankering again the yearning
anyway tim pushes through saturday nights people
through another door
then everything changes
hes entered a world
of 2000 people in a big room
drinking and laughing
me and the other 2 standing round
anxiously waiting for timbo to show
suddenly he appears
we gonna leave out a song to compensate the lateness
ricki runs out and starts playing his rogini
an artificial indian drone
the band mosey on out
church fans scream out
and divvy fans remain impassive
whats it like
walking out on stage
well its always different
sometimes im nervous
sometimes im calm
sometimes im tense and shivering and shaking
sometimes im so fuckin' blase its a joke
tonight i stride on confidently
all i eaten today is a mini-strony
i am eating very little food at the moment
i dont think its necessary for us olde guys to eat too much
a bowl of soup
a good smoothie
maybe some toast
thatll do me for a day
i aint gonna grow any taller
i dont believe my energy is all generated by food
you may sneer at that
but im a bit like a prius high-brid
half running on the olde badde stuff
half on clean energy
thats why i have more energy than one could believe
particularly given my advancing years...
do you think if i was scoffing meat n potatoes
and gallons of plonk n booze
that i'd be able to keep it up?
anyhow
(sorry to be a bore)
but the yoga and swimmy swimmy and chi gong
and meditation and the beach and the great ozzie bush weed
and the happy herbal highs
have transformed me
i stride onstage a proud old battlescarred warrior
no longer the snotty arrogant poseur of yore
which was good for yore
but not now
who am i?
what the fuck am i doing up here?
as i begin to spit out all my words
as i begin to pull notes out of my most beautiful fen-dah
as i start to heat up and sweat
as the music starts to work its mojo on my doo-dah
the guitars are like orchestras
the sound during some songs is so intense
so concentrated
focussed in so tight
im playing much better than syd
the crowd is bigger n better
the venue ditto
the thing begins to levitate
we dont wanna make you dance or whistle
or tap your foot or nod and say this is nice
as i stand onstage
i want to obliterate the audiences mind
i want to replace it with churchworld
where its all angular and pulsating
its loud and urgent and confusing
my bass now weighs nothing
my voice effortlessly projects
i can push it out or withdraw it back in
tim pounds the kit
already warmed up with iotas gig
fit and ready to punish those drums
the bass and bass drum lock in
playing in and around each other
when they sync up to a groove
you just hold on and it glides of its own accord
the audience is just a mix of individuals
the only thing they have in common
is they are in this room tonight
i look down into em from my vantage point
all ages
all types
all in varying degrees of like or dislike for the church
yes there are those who aint that fussed
despite myself i am amazed that they bother resisting us
if we played this gig in london or new york
they would go beserk
but these children of the vast suburbs
these sons n daughters of the eighties
these products of their times
no
they aint interested in our jive
they came to see chrissie
and they dont need anybody else
quite frankly its fine by me
they stand n listen politely enuff
they dont loathe us
but neither will they let themselves be drawn in
they cannot be bothered expending the thought n faith
i know we were quite good that night
and most of em there liked it
strangely enough
the following night is very much a repeat of night one
we walk on
and we hammer at em
till we walk off exhausted
i have a long cold shower
people tell me chrissie talks about us onstage
about the time she screamed at us cos marty said hello
gee tempermental types them showbiz types or what?
i come off drenched in sweat
i generate heat when i meditate too
i heat up incredibly
what is this heating process?
anyway
i am nothing like me
from 20 years ago
that one had more youthful dash, i grant you
but somehow
the most artificial boy whoever rocked
became the real man
i surrender to the music
i let it take me
and all those other cliches
i laughed at when i was a groovy fop
i have stripped myself back
no more frills n bullshit
i am so real its unbelievable
sorry to rave on about myself again
but i have changed and it feels so strange
the bass reveals more of itself
my voice grows in all directions
my face morphs into its original angular configuration
the energy available onstage seems limitless
my words in my mouth still feel good
they still throw up new interpretations even to me
there have been better wordsmiths than i, no doubt
but not too many
i have tried to bring a fresh intelligence to rock
yes i rock and i'm smart
they are not mutually exclusive
the words are hardly ever just tossed out or off
i put so much love and life in them
but i will not dumb it down
so a fair chunk of crowd does not really grokk us
they dont know what space rock is
and they dont really really wanna find out
they want their cars and girls and fightin' and drinkin' songs
ok
they want their love songs but they dont care much for space
anyway
i know we were good
if i'd seen it
i woulda liked it
lean n hungry like the wolf (mother)
a good collision of all the good bits i could think of
so
a good time had by all
maybe made some new converts
ah who cares?

measure meant

i want to leave yesterday and my grumbles behind me
(although you notice someone try to always have the last word)
today elli and minna were awarded prizes from school
karin n i attend
they jumped in
in a sydney high school
halfway thru the year
they dont speaka the inglish as their first lang
and know bugger all about australias history etc
yet they cleaned up a load of subjects
coming in top 3
both could have brilliant scholastic careers
and aint it funny
i'd much rather they became top doctors or diplomats
than rockstars
whats happened to me?
i wanted a life of sex drugs and rock for myself
but for my five daughters
i want chastity sobriety and academia
oh yes
aurora and eve came home with some awards
aurora won a set of oil pastels
she let evie use em
but she insisted they go back in the right place
until eve had a friggin' meltdown
aurora was laying a lovely trip on her
seemingly generous
but ultimately controlling
human beens...you gotta laugh
elli and minna have everything it seems girls could want
elli is popular and friendly
minna is groovy yet restrained
they are stunningly beautiful and growing more so by the day
they are extraordinarily intelligent
bi-lingual
oh i want them to succeed in whatever way they want;
to see em change from tiny premmy red screaming things
to confident charismatic young chicas
pang brudar you'd call em in swedish
(bang brides....dynamite chicks)
i know i'm now just a father raving over his bloody kids
but christ
identical twins
so different
so the same
been down low too
and still not or ever out of the woods
there had to be catch i guess
it seems you never get everything
theres always a shadow
it wouldnt be this world if not
i was seriously envying the divinyls
for all the money it seemed they were gonna make
and then chrissie reveals her ms
god i feel such a fool
yes i met her the other night
a gracious lady
she said i may be deaf but im "still gorgeous"
i guess that immediately put me on her side forever
its a good way to start a conversation anyway
i havent seen them yet
but i will in melbourne
brother john said they sounded better than us
and
he went home and bought some of their tracks from eye-choons
ok
i dont think we're knocking their audience dead
you know
they like us but...
but what?
but we're too........needlessly highbrow and complicated
the other night
im singing my stupid lyrics
we sought protection in artificial youth etc
i look into ye olde ordience
theyre got that look
schoolkids get
when the teachers boring their pants off
though they know they somehow should listen
the church were shite says one divvies fan on his blogthing
we are not everybodies cuppa tea
thats ok
we are not the kinda support band that slays the crowd
or steals the other lots fans
we are are a slow soft explosion in their minds
maybe afterwards theyll think about it
some fans are even determined to hate anyone other than their idols
they hate you as a matter of course
its nothing personal
anyway
im neutral to the divinyls
i dont love em
i dont hate em
theyre a lot better than a lot of others
i have a little soft spot for them
cos we're from the same place and era
like us they had a big hit in the us
good luck to em
i cant complain
i will review em at some stage
but they are nice people to work with at any rate
a friend of mine saw chrissie backstage
shes a fuckin' icon he said over n over
if i had a wish
it really would be that they might find a cure
for this rotten illness
in the meantime
i take my hat off to her resilience and determination
talking of illness
went back to earquack
basically
in medical talk
my hearing is fucked
my left ear still with no tympanic resonance
my right a ringing yet muffled mess
hey
dont feel sorry for me
i dont
its just an occupational hazard
its horrible
but after all
i did it to myself
i was warned
i kept on going
now the damage is done
will need a breakthrough in ear medicine to fix it now
thats life folks
dont worry
i wont turn off the flow of music till i die
but just keep in mind that the odds are changing...
scarlet kilbey is a hoot
shes been hanging around with me a bit
and shes nothing like any the other kids
a stubborn and finnicky little person
like she was an empress in her last life
an expert guilt trip layer
a devoted killjoy too sometimes
running round crying
while the rest of the family
is trying to enjoy themselves
specialising in waking up at the worst moments
not going to sleep when everybody wants her to
weeing on the goddamn floor if she bloody well wants to
breaker of delicate things
loser of ipods
trasher of rooms
destroyer of toys
interrupter of conversations
she comes out and hassles me
when i'm doing yoga
always being wherever i want to be
i get in dog pose
i open my eyes
theres scarlet half an inch from my face
her eyes wide
her tongue coming out trying to lick my face
good lord!
weather is loverly
donald b came round
we went for a swim at neilsens park
the flowers and stuff
evie and i wrote our name in the cement path
a while ago
and its still there
ok
thats enough
tomorrow
mell-bun
2 nights
see ya

i shoulda known

1
a woman , an old foreign woman
pulled out in the road, double bay sydney
and crashed into my car
she wasnt looking
peter k who was passenger
wanted to call the cops
woman say
oh no dont call cops
please sir please
peter and her have a little argy bargy
which i cant hear due to roar of traffic
due to her thick accent
due to the fact im quite deaf
peter goes off to look for bitsa my car
in the road
and woman
starts promising me the moon
i give you any money
she starts producing documents
proving where she lives etc
she dont wanna lose her no claims bonus
or points off her licence
or maybe shes drunk
(or all of the above)
i say ok ok
the womans is crying and shaking
shes rabbitting on wildly and i cant make it out
peter comes back
should ring the cops he says
i decide to let lady off the hook
i pay you cash she says
gives me her phone #
i'll ring ya i say
shes shivering and shaking and sobbing
i actually take her hand
i reassure her
its ok go home
the next day i call her
gone is the heartbroken old lady of yessaday
in her place a fierce euro-vixen, tuff and streetsmart
you too late she says
you waited too long she says
i was working all day i say
too late too late! she crows
shes harsh and triumphant
you get my details go to nrma(insurers)
haff a nice day
and hangs up
i cant be bothered chasing her or it up
fuck it
leave it to karma
2 someone asked me to do something
i said a half hearted yes
in the meantime i was bombarded with emails
and catalogs of their "product"
the someone used my name to get ins with other people
that i knew or had known
and ceaselessy went on and on about the damn thing
no no
you should go on about things when theyre done
not before they even start
and
im angry
that someone would think
because i agreed
that means they get the ok
to call up others ive worked with
i feel used
i feel its pushy
i feel its fucking uncool
then someone rings up my brother
demanding n cajoling for my phone number
(which he didnt get)
finally the last straw
a fucking email saying that in his friends opinion
if i were to sing over his music it would be as good as the church
(if not better)
that pissed me off
i was gonna do this thing eventually
but ive fucking had it with this bullshit
i politely decline in a private email
i say thats the end let it be
the someone threatens me
that he'll email "everyone"
with my original email
where i agreed to do project
(big fucking deal)
and tried with various othermeans
to lay a guilt trip on me
then he emails my email address
all over the internet
so i have to suffer seeing the replies
as people respond
or whatever
i said let it be
i said stop
why couldnt you?
another email giving me a deadline date to do it by
or to say no
i already said no
i dont say it twice
unless you are as deaf as me
now what?
who cares
it just irks me
that
i tried to be nice
and i end up with this
3
often
being a songwriter and blogger etc
people make the mistake
of thinking
the things i write
are
about them
for them
to them
whatever
then
they get mad if i dont respond to their trip
i have had this at least a hundred times
but you sang this
you wrote that
sorry
thats what i do
i write stuff thats supposed to mean something to you
thats one of a writers devices
its amazing when its pulled off
16 year old kilbey discovers marc bolan
its like hes singing all this stuff just for me
except
im sane and reasonable enough to know he didnt
how could he?
have you seen that john lennon movie
where the dutch hippy is saying
but man you wrote all those songs to me
and lennons going
oh no not again
ok
that brings us to me
and some deleted comments
and my decision to have no more anons
for a while
someone once worked for us
over a quarter of a century ago
that person had a sibling
i vaguely remember them
i might have said hello or even chatted for a few minutes
years later said sibling shows up
asks my brother for my email address
can i give it? he says
oh yeah i know that person its ok (i guess)
i had intended to maybe catch up and have a cuppa tea
next time i was in their city
then begins
a torrent of emails
i had written this or that
we were or are or should be lovers says person
no thanks says i
i didnt write that to or for or about you
and
i love my wife very much
im not interested
then comes abusive emails
abusive comments by "friends"
all implying i have somehow left this lady in the lurch
what?!
we are virtually strangers
i have tempered my view of all this
because i was just trying to do the right thing
let someone down kinda gently
i dont wanna hurt anyones feelings
i understand how people could get the wrong idea
but
the emails continue
all kinds of stuff
again n again
i write back
please
no thanks
you got the wrong guy..
again
abuse emails
saying thats it goodbye
then the other ones start up
as if nothing happened
today i write final email
from now on your name will send it to my spam filter
leave me alone
this is delusional behaviour
thats the end
and
it starts up on my comments
so
there you go
if the people concerned read this
how sad that it got to this
why couldnt ya let it go
anyway
now they all know
i get real real mad tho
when people try n muckrake my family into this
then i really am the killer
dont ever ever ever
try n hurt my family!
and that
is fucking that!

something, not everything

ruthless nature
push push push
inside where i cant stand it
stoop so low
cavernous sonic halls
fluid and liquid
transmitting impulses
a cluster of events close enough
the grid lights up
machinery moves into place
receptors alert for incoming materials
re-hardwired
soft where
hard wear
software softly singing
hardware hardly hearing
i am the result
my hands fly about me
i am fortunas agent
resilient
changing all the time being
my voice carries now overfield and plane
my voice bearing the words you must hear
it comes from my throat
it enters a current
it fills up the space in your head
im knocking some sense into you
im sliding down downy hills
i dont hesitate to use my mojo on you
you call that ooomph?!
no
ooomph is what i say it is
ooomph is on and on and on
yeah
what ya heard about me is wright
a work in progress
before your living eyes
i am not me
not who i was
who i will be
i cut all ties
i scorn your reprimands
i am above and below your vision
reproach yourself for what you find lacking in me
i am innocent
i am free
i am just warming up
i am not entangled in anybodys miasma of superstition
i paint
i write
i play
i love my own dear ones
a man at last
thats
something
not everything

end more theatre

just come home from enmore show
still all hot n sweaty
i personally made a loada mistakes on ye olde bass
sorry
we seemed to go down ok
maybe a bit too arty for the crowd
nevermind
nk says we were brill
she says i looked like a "god"
she said we played inexorably
especially ripple
my left ear ringing like a hellish bell
i dont care anymore
viva la rock, baybee
shimmy shimmy shake
let it all out
let it all in
take it as it comes
its coming down hard like a burning plane
rock come and eat my soul
rock thrash me
rock jolt me with your pomp and vain-glory
rock beat me down and make me love it
rock my role model
roll over funs
roll over you innocents
rock me hard sister
rock me in my deaf cocoon
rock me with my stupid english accent
rock me with my straddle and stray
hold down the whip
strip me open
flay my soul and sear my flesh
rock for life
rock for peace
rock for rock sake
rock when you feel hungry or tired or alone
rock for the blue god and the other avatars
rock all you atlanteans
rock all you lemurians
rockin' seekin' sikhs
rockin johnny and jains
rock for allah and jehovah
rock for the mineral kingdom
rock for the perfect man
rock for tits n ass
fender jazz bass rolls royce sustain
gimme an in
gimme an f
gimme a back beat i cant lose it
in the free world
go go go you firewalkers
go you snakecharming lithe mo-ses
sam therapy and king dice
all over lyonesse
in avalon and cosa mui
in machu pichu where the spirits are
holy rock
rock of ages
hammer and songs
guarana and damiana
cocaine baybee yeah
oh we are flying too low
guitars fracture
drums walloping bash boom crash smash wham
bang shanga langa ganga bang bim bam bong
smoke and fire
devil
angle
line
zip
kiss
freak
do it
slow

mind music

blue tablets cut in quarters
outside at 3 a m
sitting alone and naked
in the deep shadow of the doorway
i look up at the navy blue sky
the stars pulse in time with my heartbeast
the stars are shining within black circles
on the navy blue sky
mars and venus emanating in space
the stars have voices
i can hear them in the shadows
the stars throb in tune with my bad ear
the sky knows me
the stars constrict and release
those black circles around them
like holes containing diamonds
some stars disappear and reappear
the stars voices are brittle
i understand them for the first time
i hear them with my eyes
delicious theyre saying in icy voices
yum yum they tinkle and crash
the houses are all outlined in black
everything crudely chucked on realitys collage
the air is grainy
the night is warm
suddenly clouds glide overhead
whispering vapours
like stingrays they flap on the navy blue
the clouds blanket the stars and the night turns purple
i can hear the stars
even if i cant see them
in the black round spaces where they sit and burn
in galaxies so far far off
worlds that cannot be reached by travel
the sky deeper than the sea
the constellations woven on a black sheet
layer upon layer of space
the fabric of thought
the stream of amorous love
the way home
the detour
the delay
delicious
say the stars

in a japanese restaurant: i was drinking for gods sake

the world of men
pushing you towards a binary decision
the high road or the low road
war or peace
on or off
liberal or labor
democrat or republican
this or that
the world of men tries to tell me
listen, boyo
when it comes to this whole
earth/life/ meaning-of-it-all question
sometimes called
the big question
the world of men in 2007 says
listen,
are you a creationist
or are you for a process called evolution?
there are your 2 candidates...
oh now steven you dont wanna rush into this
youve been grappling with this since you arrived
there is no need for anyone who reads me
to write in here
pointing out the way christianity or evolution works
i believe i understand both principles thoroughly
i did em at school, just like you
i studied and tried to observe both things
my 2 choices
i was given as a childe
by my western world
that i was trusting implicitly
because i was
well
i was a childe
i looked hard at christianitys explanation of lifes beginning
on earth
im sorry everyone
the vicars and reverends
and all good christians
all schismed up into your denominations
and sects
and interpretations
your bloody horrific history
for the man of peace
the people around me
those who claimed loudest they were christian
displaying none of christs grace or mercy
puffed up on their fairy tale bullshit
that
to tell the truth
they didnt even really understand themselves...
well
nonetheless
even as a childe
the adam n eve n jehovah and snakey snakey
i mean c'mon
even as a five year olde
one must approach this little cock-tale with a pinch of salt
as an adult i see this is some kind of allegory
it is not meant to be taken literally
its a story that is supposed to point out a greater truth
although whatever that truth is
in this case
eludes us modern folk, i'd say
i mean what the hell are we supposed to come away with
after reading this load of olde malarkey?
1 god created the world....
ok im with you there
of course it raises other questions
but for the time being
ok....
2 he created everything but the people to start with and
then he did adam and cos he was lonely, eve
hmmm already feeling like something from the grimms
3 everything was peachy for a couple of days
until eve was persuaded to eat a magic apple by a talking snake
who had legs up until then.when eve talked adsy into a bite
god, totally pissed off (though here was a genius who could design an ear-drum
or a dragon -fly
or carve great waterfalls and all the rest)
this incredible artist
this divine inventor
is totally miffed and throws a william
fuck it says
i guess in hebrew
or whatever him and adsy spoke together
thats it!
he chucks em out
gives us pain and mortality
he's extra nasty to eve and all women to come
making them bear children in agony
(how were they to be born previously then? one wonders)
cos of that one fucking apple
talk about bearing a grudge....
at 8 years old
i perceived it as one of the most unlikely things
i had ever heard
yet i was told by all the religious authorities
this is the way this world got here
its quite patently bullshit!
why even bother demolishing it further
its totally unacceptable
i was not fucking born in or of mortal sin
i have nothing to do with adam n evie
noah(read gilgamesh)
or someone dying for my sins
i believe jesus christ existed
i believe he said wonderful revolutionary things
was he the son of god?
arent we all, in some senses
and not, in others.....?
he said he was the son of man
thats beautiful and highly ambiguous
but nowhere did he say or even any of the dudes writing it
that he was dying for people in the futures sins
thats an accretion
that means someone added that in later
not into the bible
but into the manifesto of the christian faith
someone came up with that ransom bit
hundreds of years later
it was welded on
jesus never said it
anyway
i felt defiantly non -christian
i had been taught or was led to believe
that the other religions were all a load of superstitions
and savagery and idol worship etc
after all christianity must be the real religion
because we had given hindus muslims and all the rest
a damn good kicking over the years
and their gods hadnt seemed to intervene
so one presumed christianity was the last word in god
and
that last word was
at least as far as
how did this all get here? is concerned
bullshit!
no one could believe that was how
this wonderful planet and all its amazing stuff
got here...
ok
so
i am not
never was
will never be
a "creationist"
the other candidate
in this election
was a theory called evolution
discovered or invented or postulated or whatever
by a druid named darwin
who was a christian
who was still a christian when he died
who imagined evolution as a part of "gods" way of working
not instead of it
science ran with the ball
they saw evolution in everything
and after a while
evolution became the prime mover
and "god" was gone from the equation
not only that
but evolution was thought to prove
the nonexistence of "god"
of course this left a few awkward gaps
and it was kinda decided ( i guess)
that it all started off
theres this planet
part of the big bang
thrown out from this explosion
as the big bang banged
and these perfectly spinning spheres
come flying out
and go into orbit around this star
also part of the bang-ski
which is just sitting there shining away
and our sphere
called the earth
is just loaded with all kinds of chemistry thingies
accidentally of course
by chance
all of this happened by chance
because western science cannot accept it otherwise
and one day
this is a good part
almost as good as the snake
as far as using your imagination
one day
many moons ago
lightning struck a pool of chemicals
and it
jolted by a great uncertain voltage
miraculously
though we cannot use that word
this pool of primordial blechh
assembled itself into life
and then
it started to figure itself out
this charged up amino acid thingo
it was now alive
the rest
as they say
is history
the amino slime grew
into bacterial doo-dahs
they grew gills bills
wings trunks
legs
birds turned into mammals
mammals into apes
apes into men
men into....ummm
well that leaves us here
doesnt it
western world
2007
god is dead
said a crazy german guy and we sniggered and agreed
no reason other than the variety of nature:
i say other day
trees breathe out oxygen...its a miracle
commenter says
au contraire...that proves its no miracle
we must summise therefore
everything is totally open to interpretation
each proof for one side
is also a proof for the other proving the opposite
evolution
which is based on a chance
of whirlwinds assembling jumbos from a junkyard
or monkeys typing out shakespeares complete works
in other words
its totally improbable , statistically speaking
evolution and random chance and a long time
put this all together
every incredible thing just happened of its own accord over time
all those golden ratios
all those immaculate autonomous interconnecting mechanisms
all this wonder and terror and glory and horror
the world with its tenderness and brutality
everything is just here by chance
ok
theres your 2 choices
howard or rudd
creationism or evolution
the ridiculous past
the ridiculous future
not for me, boyo
not for me
dont tell me i gotta choose between these 2 non starters
you saying i dont have a 3rd
or 4th
or a thousand other candidates
is this really what it comes down to
adsy and evie
or i'm a fucking monkey man
i dont know bout you science-boy
but i aint no monkey
i am prepared to believe we share similarities of design
doesnt all life in varying degrees
dont we have many similarities to a green fly in principle?
arent we all "creatures"?
anyway
nobody is gonna trap me into a category
with some tricky loaded phrase like
"intelligent design"
that phrase now carries a christian stigma
although
unfortunately it is a very good phrase
because
i can only see
intelligent, nay, genius design
everywhere
i am humbled by whoever did this, by their vast mastery
not on canvas or film or tape or stage
but a master who works in living things
we know now how our merest thoughts can change the crystal pattern
of water
everything interconnected
everything vibrating
everything moving in a dance of one zillion years
i have avidly searched and read
i do not take things as true because our modern latest science says so
science has been wrong or partially wrong
or right for the wrong reason many times
it contradicts itself every hundred years or more
and thats well and good and healthy
and evolutionist science
has done a good job of silencing everyone else
with ridicule
daring you to laugh
at their lack of birds with half a wing
turtles with half a shell
their dawn horses
and their missing links
big fucking deal
someone or somethings skull
how grisly
the way we dig things up and fuck around with em
i dont need a skull or a bible
i am a living creature
with senses i do not even realise i may have
i think and observe
i hold no fucking allegiance to either side
spare me your christian or scientific dogma
i know it
i read it too
now im feeling something
ive felt it before
it has been a small voice in my heart
or an overwhelming force hammering me along
it has shown me the way in small ways
it has comforted me
it has filled my head with music and words
it has inspired me to try harder
no one can tell me what i have felt and what it was
i have made direct contact only once
and it was everything i always wanted
as sweet a nectar as the hindus always say
thats an allegory, folks
this god of mine
is so huge
is so tiny
does not punish
or judge
does not throw people out of gardens
or preside over worlds of chance
and monkey men who crawled from ligtning struck pools
he will not be trapped in yer test tube
he will not be measured by yer blah blah meter
(i use the word "he" for lack of an appropriate pronoun)
observe this earth
its formulas
its colours
its ratios
the privilege and responsibility of being a human
the gratitude we should have for living in "peaceful" countries
the pain and death yes
but also the love
the magnificence of just about everything
the wonder of it all
does jehovah or evolution really explain it all to you?
take up a discipline
train your eye to see
your ear to hear
question every fucking assumption ever fed to you
including those by me
think for yourself
quieten your babbling mind
things are happening on every frequency on the dial
but we're tuned into the same old a.m. station
cranking out that same old jive day in day out
think about what you spout
come up with yer own take
of course darwin was on track in some ways
thats what us humans do
we analyse n figure it all out
yes yes yes adaptation is a wonderful process
but it aint all
theres more to it
cmon you can feel it cant you?
life is unbelievable
there is something else
something more
something that seems to remain hidden
something outside the box
beyond our tiny minds
ha ha ha
how funny to think
charlie darwins thoughts
should be seen as the final word
when they barely scratch the surface
they may attempt to explain how
but never
why?
why?
why?
that
is what
you should be asking
yourself