voyage to remote islands

a galleon came into the bay
on a winters day
some men rowed ashore
over the wild surface of the sea
and the spray drenched their beards
and the breakers drowned their talk
adventurers you see
pirates
brigands
soldiers of fortune
desperate men
their leader was no young man
he steered the boat into the harbour
where the voodoo natives watched from the trees
he called for them to row harder
against the smashing rollers that came down on them
he cursed the sea god and the foul weather
they jumped out into the foam
and pulled the boat ashore
onto the dark cold sand
onto that faraway strand in a south sea
where parrots screamed in jungles
where big cats roamed the evenings in black
and monkeys chattered madnesses in the temples
the temples
where they would find...
something the leader wanted so badly
some powerful talisman
some enormous treasure
some magical drug
who could say
no one knew
they took it on faith
killer had kept his word so far
killer they called him and killer he was
widowmaker
deathdealer
he was at 52 a ruthless cut-throat
able to survive freezing cold waters
to march for days and days
surviving on a spartan diet of dates molasses and goji juice
master of chi power
smooth of tongue
and well versed in flattery and intrigue
diplomacy
the marital arts
and disappearing
he had rounded up these 12 men
handpicked
to accompany him
on this greatest adventure
this desperate plunge into danger
this voyage to these remote islands
to find whatever it was he was after
el dorado
the fountain of youth
the astral journey
the complete dominion of the senses
now they stood on these desolate shores
his men
his comrades in arms
bolan?
yes killer?
bolan was his bo'sun
assess this situation mr bolan sir!
well killer its like this....
we have enough food n drink for 3 days
bolans soft slight lisp was hard to catch against the surfs roar
we have enough to smoke for maybe 2 days max...if we take it easy
we should hit the fucking forests quicksmart n get out doublequick
back to blighty posto hasto...
what are we waiting for then? the killer exhorted the men
a smoothfaced young man with a melodious voice stepped forward
arent you gonna tell us what we're looking for killer ? he asked
you'll find out soon enough mr mclennan said the killer frowning
the rest of the crew stood grumbling
have i ever led you men astray before ? their leader demanded
plenty of times actually... said a youth with a french accent
cmon arthur groaned the killer
gimme a break....
i agree with rimbaud.. said an olde guy rapped up in a cloak
merlin? youre sposed to be on my side.....
so theres sides now said an italian guy called alighiery
et tu dante? said the killer glaring at the diminutive writer
he looked up
and whatta bout the rest of you....? he demanded
ronson?
im with you killer
houdini?
count me in
tolkien?
(who nodded his head and puffed on his pipe)
lennon?
sure sure
buddha?
if you think it would help...
ian curtis?
a sullen young man sniffed his assent
presley?
why the hell not?
mervyn peake?
absolutely !
ok then
this is what we're gonna do....


t b c




*

sinner gog

me and odilon redon walking down a street
he says
you know that stuff with the molasses really works
i say
yeah?
he says
i got the best nights sleep ever lastnite
john erskine and isadora telambi walk in
she saying something in her native ethiopian
erskine cant understand
but man
isadora is so beautiful
its worth a shot
pretending you know her language
i guess
erskine
he aint looking bad for his age
hair a little thin maybe
a few too many late nights perhaps
god that magic circuit can be grueling
woman tearing at him to saw them in two
all those rabbits n doves to contend with
(nah erskine dont hurt his beasts
the same dove and rabbit for years
they seem to love 'im!)
same olde routines
telambi catches sight of me
"ooh look whos been allowed out bibi"
she finishes every sentence with that bibi
is it baby or some african word?
her accent is thick and marvellous
she sings english in a low fluid melody
isadora not a door a.... i say
an isadora equals an adorer bibi
she says singing the line in fact
odilon this isadora telambi i say
odilons my new favourite painter ever i say
cmon steve mutters redon embarrassed
telambis a bit of an art buff
on both sides of the canvas
yes man ive hird of you bibi she croons
erskine gets back with the drinks
isadoras just fiji water tonight
erskines drinking the green absinthe in flames
odilons got a red wine
steve i got you a goji vodka molasses jaeger nutjuice shake
with ginger powder? i ask
you kidding me killer says the magician
no i aint ...jesus..it needs the ginger powder to potentiate the..
you should coool out bibi
says/sings telambi into my face
erskine slops my drink down
just fuckin' drink it killer
odilon laughs beneath his funny hat
cheers
yeah!
cheeers bibi
odilon did this amazing pic with pastel of buddha i say
i love buddha says odilon
yeah he aint a badde guy bibi says isadora
do you....starts odilon
no laughs telambi
most of us ethiopians are christians bibi
been playing any sax? i ask her
any what bibi she says
any sax bibi i say
its not bibi its bibi you clown bibi she laughs
yes i have been playing constantly since we last met
oh all kinds of things you know
rock revival shows in the states
african stuff you know bibi ...tv
she played on remindlessness i explain to odilon
yes and got paid with only 2 joints and a taxi money bibi
says telambi
i wonder how old she is
anywhere between 35 and 50
impossible to tell
her skin is black and elastic
it seems impossible for it to wrinkle
it just stays smooth when she laughs
once we'd been real close
a long time ago
now she kept her distance
we argued a lot over the sax stuff
telambi threw one at me one day
and lemme tell ya it had hurt
she also challenged me to get even a squeak
out of her little straight one
whats that called?
im not a great sax lover to tell the truth
odilon redon says
whos that big muscly guy plays sax in all those eighties vids?
rafael ravenscroft? i venture
ever the font of rocknroll knowledge
yeah whatever says redon rudely
anyway
whatta joke you know in all them tina turna vids
that big guy honking his sax with his head thrown back
telambi frowns
why is this so funny bibi?
i dunno says redon starting to laugh
erskine guffaws n slurps on his drink
i hate the eighties he says
me too i say tucking into my cashews
i wander into the gents for a wee wee
paulie klee is doing a line on the counter
fucking hell paulie i say
killa he says standing up n patting his nostril
hows the impressionism paulie i say
i aint an impressionist...am i? say klee
whatever i say
i hate that says klee
what? i say
people who say whatever
he says
when i get back
odilon n isadora have gone off together
jesus i say
erskine stares off somewhere
get over it killa
he says
im over it
i say
completely

abstract composition

im feeling pretty low
im feeling pretty blue
my life seems a struggle
seems one argument after another
seems i am kicking against the pricks
wish i could accept it
im hooked on good times
and i cant handle the bad
i see people take serious knocks
and they get up n keep going
i get dismayed so easy
i get put off the track
i get dislodged
my anger has flared up n burnt me up inside
used me up in one useless flash
in sydney its miserable winter
wet cold ugly weather
there wassa bitta sun this morning
but it vacated the premises about 1 oclock
the houses in sydney are freezing
i know what cold weather is..
i lived in sweden
it was minus 25 outside
but i was warm in comfy inside
no draft
no heater blaring forth electric rays burning n drying yer skin
(oh the poor being has sensitive skin)
no blower heater blowing dry dead air at ya one side
while the other side freezes
it was always about 73 degrees
the radiators came on n went off
the place didnt even need them
double glazing n good materials
eg a decent threshold that stopped drafts
theres a gale half an inch high
blowing under my doors
i put those snake things there but the kids move em
or when the door opens which the thing hinders
or they concentrate the draft into a small whirl of intense damp draft
look i know i shouldnt complain
but im burnt out n freezing
the internet is playing up here
so im lucky there is a blogge at all
n dont get fluffed up if i aint returned yer email, gmail, phonecall, letter
telegram,smoke signal,wave, message,indication or whatever
im nihilated
its school holidaze next week
n i can only imagine this weather plus cabin fever doodles
someones done something to the falcon n its leaking
pam n perry just came over
so ive hadda smoke n im drinking some green ginger wine
plus some fucking neurofens (the ones with lotsa codeine)
but i still feel like halfaman
im listening to brian eno another green world
and quite frankly i wish i was there
somewhere else
somebody else
or cancelled out
i dont want to die
but i'd like to go into suspension for a while
i had some nice dreams last night
i have a magic recipe for you to try
especially if you have trouble sleeping
in one glass of warm/hot water
add one tablespoon of blackstrap molasses
2 tablespoons cider vinegar
1 quarter a teaspoon of bicarb soda
drink before beddy bedtime
and if you dont have the best creamiest night sleep
(you'll see what i mean...no mr humphries jokes now davem)
then you can pay me double the subscription back!!
you see it alkalizes yer body
mmmm alkiline good
acidic badde!
you better believe that it works
or i wouldnae have recommended it to yas
whew i just turned the brightness down on my ibook gee4
so much fucking electric pollution in yer beings system
i once had this check for pollutions
my electro magnetic contamination (at that point in time)
was litchrally off the dial
i was fulla the stuff
todays no better with electric heaters
ipod
ibook
i dont know what
all the electricity bombarding me
i'll end up like the bat
hanging fried upside down on a wire
ive pushed my tough(on juicy wallops side) working class
english genes far enough
i havent eaten all day n i have a lean n hungry look
god you never know what to expect from a mirror
all my life ive been alternately attracted n repelled by my own visage
i mean
what is a "face"?
do you ever think about that?
why do we place so much emphasis on faces?
why does a straight nose n grey eyes go much easier on the eye
what makes my white beard quite so attractive
how do you look olde n young at the same time?
my face my face
all those dead handsome men
all them dead beautiful women
all the fatskinny people
all the nobody people
all the somebody people
what will it mean when youre gone
i hate it when im impressed by prettiness or handsomeness
even tho the owner seems vacant mean or useless
but some deep sense of human aesthetic gives us knee jerk reaction
you have to educate yerself to resist
like the monks n the priestesses n vestal virgins
but to most of us
the right human geometry facially can blind us
good looks.....think about it
would you rather lose face or lose your face?
beauty is skin deep
and skin is flimsy stuff
like mine
dry cold tired epidermis
big deal
being human isnt always that much fun
even when theres nothing really wrong with ya
like me
always complaining
about something

just for the time being

im dreaming
in this dream im hanging out with grant
hes alive and im still a junkie
im so sick
im weeping in the dream but i cant get the stuff into me
it always slips thru my fingers at the last moment
grant catches me stealing from him
im at some holiday place
nk is there too
she looks on concerned
everythings going wrong so wrong
and im just struggling thru these blinding tears
trying to acheive my nebulous directive
feeling hopeless
i get up
a hacking cough due to cold n too much pot
my skin is stretched too tight in this coldweather
i feel dry and itchy all over
my hands feet n nose never warm up
the waves are huge
i climb in the baby pool
its so full of seaweed n marine debris
smells like a fish market
the water is cold n turgid
huge waves still crash over the sides
the vacuum of them pulls you down
if you come near
they hurl seaweed n sand n stuff at me
i climb into the sauna waterlogged
at least its blisteringly warm in here
i sit and watch my sweat drip drip drip
i heat up and up
my feet n nose n hands want more
but the rest of me is getting cooked
two handsome young brutes argue too noisily in a foreign lang
not russian but sounding like it
an olde friend of mine is in there
we talk a bit
i have a shower
put my nice warm clothes on
i go over to the edge of the deck n start my xi gong
justa like every otherday
i swing from side to side
breathing on different sides
i start my practise
a big ball of xi im holding
yeah
do the going round n round one
do the hands in n out one
now im doing the fish move
i got my eyes closed as yer sposed to
imagining the xi
the suns come out a bit
beginning to feel better
my hands fishtail to the left
i breathe in that lovely xi
fill me up o energy
im getting into it when...
slap
like a giant bucket of cold water
chucked all over me
freezing seawater
a freak wave
im drenched standing there still in the fish mode
all the people on the deck cheer n laugh
very bracing says a woman doing yoga
i never saw it coming
i trudge home totally wringing wet
my boots my socks
my pants n my shirt
i take shirt off
n just wear jacket
wish i gotten round to mending all the buttons on it now
my ipod got soaked but miraculously is unscathed
i feel like the uni-fucking-verse is telling me something
miserably wet wretch squelching home
wheres the glamour?
do interviews with nz
i hate hearing me going on about me
really i do
ho hum
the 1st guy catches a stoned rave
that must have filled up his quota
with my 1st answer
a long winded rambling discourse
on art life music love and death
none of which he will or possibly could ever use
every answer i go on n on
interrupting myself with footnotes puns n analogies
at the end of each answer
ive totally lost track of where i started
vigorously answering questions no one has asked
what can we expect he asks
a fair enough question and possibly the most pertinent
suddenly i see myself onstage in some gig in nz
its fucking freezing cold outside
there i am onstage in front of a few people
what am i doing?
am i struggling with my 12 string
muffing all the chords n forgetting all the words
if you dont think i can play guitar listen to the solo
on she counts up the days on remindlessness
its a beauty
or didja know thats me playing lead on film off p=a
i played thru petes rig
n he played bass
so i can play guitar...
but suddenly on my own there..
my fingers freeze up
my voice dries out n i croak n warble
the kiwis are going
what the fuck ....?
play the hits
you see they tell me
that our first 2 records did ok
in nz
i wouldnt know
stunn records went arse up
n we never never got paid
ditto with carerre in europe
hey davem n gareth n all the rest of you pommy gits
got any carerre records?
they never paid us....
ha!
mind you they paid thru the nose
for that duran duran tour...
but they never paid me a farthing
but im not bitter.....much!
anyway i guess i can shtrumm a few choons
from the stunn days ....
or maybe not
actually i have no idea what i will do
do they really want that old guff?
oooh new zealand...aint been there for 24 years
they never asked us back....
maybe we're ready for each other now
a lovely song by dimmer came on my shuffle
yeah hes always good shayne carter
you can trust him to do something good
always got some integrity
thats very nz i reckon
theyre high on integrity in their pop music
cmon
split enz
the crowdies
the bats
the chills
the fits
dimmer
even dragon
and jesus
theres someone ive forgotten
the verlaines...?
yeah them too
and sam hunt that walking living breathing example of a poet
will sam grace the stage with me
and blow me offstage like he did at the po fest 04 qld
jesus a real poet at last
sam...will you come n see me somewhere
(i expect hes too busy declaiming verse somewhere)
and sam neill
sam
if yer reading this
i felt like
we coulda been almost brothers
until the meat advertisements
im sorry sam
im disappointed in ya
so no
i wont be signing yer copy of the straw peoples utmw
number one in nz for 3 years straight
which means it sold 76 copies
and andrew broughs bike is good too
he was in the fits
anyway
its about a month away
i hope the 2 matt davidsons can duke it out
and may the impostre be deposed
and stop clogging up my comments with this tripe
anyhow
im sitting home freezing my ass off
im gonna do some yoga
maybe thatll get me warm
after that
if it doesnt work....
only one thing comes to mind
?

panther in winter

cold rain numbs me
i no longer care if im wet
hurrying down this coldmorning street
puddles ripple with sizzling drops
phone call waking me up from wherever i was
someone talking at the other end....where was that?
and then im out the door
and on my way
a bus goes by
full of people crammed in
their breath steaming the windows
branches have fallen down during the night
a bat hangs electrocuted on the wires
i see my car
damn !
i cant believe it
a flat tyre
oh no
not now
not today
present continuous tense
this cant be happening
let it be a memory
but oh no
im standing here right now
its raining
the flat tyre
cars zoom pass throwing up water
i open up the boot and look for the jack
everything in rusty disrepair
im struggling with the wheel
a car pulls over
a man offers me a lift
where to i say
wherever youre going he says and smiles
he must know who i am i think
hop in he say
i cant place that accent....american or maybe not
i jump in
its a bmw alright
we drive off
my car sitting there useless
theres a woman in the back seat
good morning she says
hello i say
doubtfully
nice car i venture
isnt it he says
hes young and looks like a soap opera star
she is the female equivalent from what i saw
through the rains blur
in the darkness of the morning
i feel suddenly sleepy relaxed
the car purrs through the traffic
the music is making me sleepy
the music playing in the car
some kinda new age world music thing
where am i going ? i hear myself ask
as if from a distance
we want to have a chat with you she says from the back
the driver laughs and concurs
a little chat
is this about my blog? i say dreamily
this elicits more laughter from him
well i thought maybe you could tell me he says
have i been drugged? i struggle to say
again soft laughter from the driver
something like that

i awake in darkness in a stuffy room
my head pounds
my eyes feel full of sand
im in a dentist chair
powerless to move
the man n woman sit patiently on either side
armed with syringes and electrodes
just smiling
suddenly with a superhuman burst of xi energy
i break free of my bonds
and burst out of the chair
they pull out revolvers and shoot
but im either lucky or stupid
cos they cant seem to hit me
i knock them out
and round up the whole gang
a whole international gang of interpol wanted villains
i commandeer a helicopter and fly back to bondi
i jump out over the sea
and i ride a dolphin in
i am decorated by the mare of bondi
the right honourable gg chestnut
the delightful star of bronte
inlaid with enamel
at last after much blue cheer
i return to the scene of my car
where a grateful citizen has changed the wheel
a street procession cheers
children offer me flowers
today will be declared a holiday all over the world
i will be paid a million bucks a retelling of my heroic story
i will be so rich and comfortable
i will be immune to winter in artificially warm n lit greenhouse
i will lie in bed in the morning and laugh to myself
i will dream of the sun
i will go into its light

alley gate or....

among the twisted terraces on a winter day
leaves swirl down from a grey roof
inside where its so warm
so warm being here with you
i dont know what im liable to say next
do you?
words pound n hound me thru the daylight hours
i am not mad
i cant go mad
its impossible
some sane english core
holds me to the light
the way you hold me to the dark
in the dark room
the door is always closed
what goes on in there?
what is obtainable in there?
muse : what do you want?
whatever youve got...
(sound of faraway mocking laughter)
i knock at your door
you feel me outside for a moment
before i suddenly enter
its so dark
a heady smell permeates the room
the darkness is blinding me
i know youre here somewhere
so white amongst the black
vanished into an other dimension
waiting on the turning seasons
now im all at sea
i feel giddy
i feel uninvited
i feel a little weekend
i standing illuminated against city lights
sydney pulses n throbs along outside here
the drizzle comes back and floats in the porthole window
the curtains are still in the stillness
the music....what is that?
piano mournful strings soft washing drums
a man sings something
a dead man now im sure it is
dead for a long time now
the music is very old
no now i recognize this song
why its....
no
it cant be me
no it cant be
oh i can make out the words
is this the kind of thing you do
with everything i gave to you
did you ever stop to see
you never gave yourself to me
the violins slur and blur
the french horns answer sadly
the man whistles the melody
like hes walking along a deserted euro street in november
you can see his raincoat and the cigarrette smoke
is this what you wanted me to see?
i mistakenly open the wardrobe
and i see myself in the mirror
oh im looking olde and young
muse : where did all that time go?
as i move my face back n forth in the half light
planes and angles are revealed and concealed
lines and wrinkles appear and disappear
my grey eyes are vague with swollen pupils
i grope at the clothes hoping to find something
that obviously eludes me
baby where are you ?im calling into the quicksilver dark
i say quicksilver because it also eludes me
i remain somehow outside of it
baby? you say in your soft voice and lovely accent
and the word slides around changing into foreign syllables
until i cant understand it at all
baby how do make all that stuff up? youre asking in the candledark
what stuff? im trying to say but my mouth is full of darkness
its acidic taste curdles on my tongue
setting my teeth on edge
baby what are you doing here? shes asking
the room feels more like outside to me
i mistook the cold for warmth
i am in the alley
out the back of....
somewhere
i guess

aperture

light
camera
action
pull it out of thin air
reach up and take it
as fast as it can fill you up
overflowing freely
endless as it is
better than pleasure
better than hedonism
subtle movement
ongoing motion
better than sleep
better than food
what
what could be....
what could be that good
lover ?
but
oh no
no but
but there is a but
i dont want another but
childe theres always a but
a catch
a loophole
a condition
but i just want the thing
the thing you spoke of
the thing beyond things but not thing
no longer any things
anything at all
you mean
yes
union
reunion
you mean to become part of
you mean penetration of things
you mean interpenetration
you mean swallowed
you mean digested
you mean no longer myself
you mean say goodbye to all this
no no no no no
my time beingness
future
past
all are thought
now
now!
not when or then
the time being now
only ever now
where am i?
you know who you deeply are
where am i?
you know everything
already
oh time being in gloria excelsis
oh time being in hell
oh time being on earth too
oh time being to kill and brutalize
oh time being to heal and reunite
oh time time time
where was i?
now
now?
right now
if you can remain now for 3 breaths
everything
for 3 breaths
i see such ugliness out there
deformation
senselessness
the cold
the repulsive and unloved
i try to love them but i fail
the sad and the sick
i try to empathise but i feel
nothing
pleasure comes again
resistance is futile
tangled up in all these pleasures
like weeds in a lake
the deep lake of myself
the real time being
the eternal
yes i am eternal
you cant even touch me
so deep deep down i am
a million miles above
steve kilbey and some others
the shallows
the baby pool
still holding on to the side
afraid to let it go
holding on to themselves
playing with themselves
never never imagining
underneath it all
union
calm
peace
cessation
pure unending bliss
nothing to do
nothing need to do
but art
but music
but life
all lead here
no i cant believe it
you should believe it
no i cant fathom it
no you cant
noone can
until you enter it forever
until then
kilbey you are made of the elements
reconstituted fragments of space
from the big bang
from the creator who created his creatures
kilbey you are stardust
kilbey you are linked to everything
just not feeling it
feel it man
no i cant
well maybe a bit
yes i can feel something now
its kinda warm
its kinda moving up my spine
the chakras go ping as it ascends
power
will
life
my desire for life which reconstituted the stardust
my need to live kilbeys life
dont talk about me like im not here
kilbey you are anywhere but here
or now
here = now
but you are not in the equation man
what is this ...a poem...or what?
nothing
im just talking out loud
im just borrowing your male homo sapien fingers
to type this message in your english language
so that you may yourself understand
kilbey does not equal kilbey
kilbey + more
kilbey - the bad bits
is there anything left?
kilbey as a saint
you want to be a saint so much dont you
yes yes yes
then take it
oh i cant
not me
what about....
go on
well i dont have to tell you do i?
oh yes
that
and
that
and
some other thats
thats n buts
reduced to 2 words
time being
but that
steve kilbey
but that
the killer
but that
now remains here
always

another 15 killer choons from the ttbs i.p.

ok this is easy
i get to listen to my fave tracks
from pod playlist
and write about em

in no particular order

the only ones : peter and the pets
i saw em play at the lyceum in 78
richard lloyd came on n played
they were average, im sorry to say
i sat at a table with perretts mum n dad
they gave me his phone number and told me to call him
they gave me a lift home in their white jag
his mum was from vienna i think
they were very nice
i never rang the number tho
then in 1982 after many only ones comparisons
the lead guitarist tracked me n ploogy down in london
and organised a jam
which really meant backing him on some demos
not perrett but the big ugly guy
he was a smacktragedy
as was his 'orrible missus
nodding off n nearly setting things alight
i was horrified
ploogy was laughing his dutch head off
cos the guy was trying to get me to sing back ups
on one of his songs
and i REALLY didnt want to
i didnt wanna be there at all
jesus can ya believe that was 25 years ago....
anyway this is a great great great track
lazy drawling detached narcotic slurry lou reed
oh yeah you gonna like this one!

eno n budd : their memories
brian eno
i could write a book about his contributions
to rock
here he and harry budd
conjure up their usual melancholia-dust trail
the pianos find simple phrases
their reverberations trigger distant sounds
like strings
evocative

king crimson : the talking drum
all manner of sounds
like the buzzing of flies
bongos n bass n drums
the guitar is sick
it swerves n slides side to side
it doubles up
a violin
i feel like im eavesdropping on a conspiracy
paranoia builds up
atonal probe enters from the right
what emotion does this conjure up?
i dunno

blonde redhead : heroine
this is one of those albums
almost every song is a good un
like everything all mixed up
vaguely shoegazery
understated
easy on the ears
beguiling words n melodies
you may like this very much
you may already like this very much!


elo : 10538 overture
stunning!
the arrangement is so....
the downwards guitar is fucking spectacular
the french horns come in off in the distance
the cellos saw away at the song
its an epic
it was big hit in early seventies
its a true classic
impeccable magnificence
put this one down as one i wish i'd done...

the faces : wicked messenger
a dylan song
the faces slop and stumble thru it
and the result is real rocknroll
feel and emotion
guys who can really play
each occupying their own space
all going on at once
intertwining with each other
the bass playing is a riot
the organ is brilliant
but what would you expect its ian maclagan
ronnie wood on guitar
you can see why the stones wanted this guy
k jones on drums
what a walloper
he gives that kit a fucking good seeing to!
and he always seems to keep going at the end
when the other instruments stop
his trademark
rod stewart belts it out
like his life n soul depended on it
there was a wicked messenger from eli he did come..
oh fiendss this is a lovely mess

hawkwind : seven by seven
the true derangement of drugs n space travel
the place where astronaut n the hierophant meet
the warlock as the captain of the capsule
blast it off!
seven times he cursed their seven tears
the astral path is now your fortuitous role
fiendss
this is your captain speaking
your captain is dead

jobriath : what a pretty
sick stuff
a dead gay rock star
like if bowie had come from texas or wherever
an ugly dark song
short and nasty
weird

john cale : antarctica starts here
whispery strange unlikely
oh what perfect lyrics
itll chill ya to the bone fiendss
the anaesthetics wearing off
antarctica starts here....


paul williams : old souls
from soundtrack of phantom of the paradise
reincarnation song par excellence
our love is an old love baybee..
i should do a version of this
people 'd think i wrote it myself
it is achingly beautiful

lou reed : lady day
melodramatic gothic elegant
a huge towering song
a song of helplessness
trying to warn someone who died a long time ago
listen to the way lou sings
after the applause had died down
and the people had drifted away
its very touching
awww
no no oh please now lady day

magazine : shot by both sides (original version)
razor sharp sleek unbelievable when it came out
i was smitten
intelligence AND rock
yeah it can be done
devoto leers sneers and shouts his way thru this classic
its not punk its too good
its not new wave its too good
its ...rock!
i was shocked to find what was allowed...

margot smith : bellyman
before tori amos n a whole loada others
there was margot
you know those slightly loopy geniuses with the amazing voices
this was produced by eddie rainer from split enz
its disturbing primitive gorgeous so so sad n weird
native choruses break into the song from somewhere
im the bellyman come to fill you up when you cant get full
nothing on toris new album is a patch on this song
so so before her time
worth seeking out
youll fucking love it

mick ronson : slaughter on tenth avenue
a theme from an old movie
ronson gave it the treatment
magnificent
ohh lovely guitaring
whatta master
lovely lovely arrangement
ohh you should hear this fiends
amazing little piece of music
itll uplift you in a lovely way

skyray ; jet stream summer
futuristic fluff
skyray are a wonderful instrumental band
like themes to imaginary shows
aqua cool gliding shimmy shammy shimmering glimmering
effortlessly groovy
all skyray stuff is good!

see ya 2morro peepull

25 killer tunes straight from the ttbs i.p.

in no particular order of preference
but in the order as the come up
on my playlist on eye podd


bob dylan : a sweetheart like you
yeah i love this song dont i
bobby d the master
the big one
the guy who showed lennon how to express his spite
how it could be done
oh this is a corny sentimental song
its got marko knoppflah playin' guitar n producing
it aint iggy n the stooges thats for sure
but just real real smooth and makes me feel good
hey remember that
music that makes ya feel good?

the cars : all mixed up
i dont like the cars much except for this song
which i really really like
it was a big influence on me round the time it came out
i wanted the church to sound like this, i guess
and the lyrics are right up my alley
only ruined by a rinky dink synthy-sizer
which trills in towards the endo


chapterhouse : autosleeper
amazing lyrics
produced by robin guthrie of the marvellous cock-toe twins
dangerous vacous bliss
blind angel move through me
its kinda shoegazery n biblical n dreamy n creamy
verily i wish i had done this

i am the cosmos : chris bell
one of the best songs ever! ever!
if you like the early chursh this was an ideal
ploogy n i used to play it ad nauseam
but were too in awe to attempt a version

crystal japan : david bowie
you want futuristic?
you want music for drowned continents?
you want grandeur and heartbreak?
you want atlantis' anthem as she sank below the waves
this piece is an obsession of mine
poignant to the max!

gravenhurst :the velvet cell reprise
youre zooming along on some delicious substance
and stuff flies past ya
its really exciting
instrumental
extra cool
like something i wish i dreamed i did in 1985

jeff buckley : dream brother alternate take
divine exquisite man
beautiful songwriter n genius
different lyrics here to the original
its a gentler take with some kinda tablas or something
transporting
suggesting
compelling
mysterious
every good rock characteristic
can be found in this one excellent song

mississippi : john phillips
another doomed genius
this song was a minor hit in canberra in 1970 or 71
its a real real nice song by the writer from the moms n pops
ex hubby of the once (and maybe still?) lovely michelle phillips
i didnt know what a bayou was in 1970 or 71
but i liked the bit where he sings
mmm i like your dress

pete wylie n wah : hope
a grandiose eighties tearjerker
and yet when it hits that chord
and he strains to hit the notes
and everything
you lied to me...but i wish youd believe me
oh yeah
the 80s werent all badde
be warned :its tres romantic
and it goes on n on


joy division : atmosphere
a huge influence on me
this song
wow
the belltrees
the reverb
the tribal drums surfing the song
the insistent bass gnawing at your brain like mice
doomy lyrics
walk in silence
dont turn away in silence
more goth than notre dame baybee
oh sad tragic eternal


levitation : embedded
one of the great shoegazer songs of all time
one of the most complicated guitar bands
find lev records fiendss n enjoy
everything seems to bounce a long on a cushion of pink haze
the guitar playing is intelligent and executed with aplomb
most of you would like it
i met bick backstage in leeds a few years back
a kindred spirit

normie rowe : it aint easy
an australian singer,
who did this amazing flop single, 1968
it had everything
what went wrong?
if you love the walker bros
and righteous bros etc
please check out this
its a great overlooked song
and its got everything but the kitchen sink
it sunk normies career inexplicably when it failed
but why
its a fucking amazing torch ballad

peter hammill : the lie( berninis st therese)
more gothic than peter murphy nick cave and robert smith in a sack
darker than almost anything youve ever heard
bitter nasty intelligent diatribe against religion:
grace is a name like chastity like lucifer like mine...
a piano gets pounded
a church organ joins in ominously
hammills voice becomes lost in dark shadows in echoes
he rants in the empty church a flaming lunatic
i'd embrace you...
but that would be just another lie

primal scream : higher than the sun (american spring mix)
so called because of the preponderence of a harpsichord (sound)
like brian wilsons wifes band american spring
if you like to take psychedelic drugs
then this is a song for you
you can almost feel the ecky coming on
oh baybee i feel so straynge...
the only thing they ever did that i liked
but i adore this song
itll give ya a contact high you wont believe

the stones : street fighting man
the quintessential rock song
exciting wild shabby stumbling and lurching
it always does it for me
and a lotta olde stuff dont
but this one does
get down

santana : singing winds, crying beasts
one of my favourite instrumentals of all time
and the way when the bass comes in
it just simply propels the whole thing along
carlos guitar sounds amazing here
the percussion like small things running in the desert
the cymbals swell
the electric piano floats
wow!

sigur ros : svefn-g-englar
its something to do with angels im guessing
by the sound of that last word
but in a made up language
with bits that sound like bits of scandic or anglo
which is really no surprise i guess
bowie had his own language on side 2 of low
a band called magma always sang in their own language
(and they say my lyrics are obscure!)
anyway this is sublime
beyond description
and its not unlike grandiose off mats
well just a little...

the small faces : afterglow
2 genius songwriters
ronnie lane and stevie marriott
both ripped off blind by the bizness
they earned NOTHING despite being huge uk n us
sold millions
earned NOTHING
anyway
what a rollicking rolling rocking number
all the trademark ingredients
that grinding organ, all creamy
the drums wallop
its a goody!

smashing pumpkins : tonight tonight
amazing song again
pompous huge arrangement
corgans weird high pitched little voice
beautiful melody
a heartbreaking little song
then suddenly it explodes
tonight tonight
you filled with hope
this song and disarm i wish i'd written
yes i really do
they dont come along this good so often

tom petty n the hbs : the wild one forever
what a corker!
romantic
desperate
at the end of yer tether
melodic
things jingle n jangle
his best song ever

tori amos : a sorta fairytale
nk bought toris new record yessaday
funny watching her listen to her faves new record
seeing the bits she liked n the bits she didnt
this is both of our fave tori
i dont really like much else as much as this
tori pulls on this persona
a damaged sad waitress from south dakota or something
a lovely song of lost possibility
if yer heart dont melt when she sings
and i rode alongside of you
till he lost me
wow
we decided to name our daughter after this album
on the steps of the opera house
after tori blew our minds
but i fear she may be somewhat "lost"
looking at n hearing the new one!

ultravox : i cant stay long
travel again
like gravenhurst
the plains n skies open up
longitude latitude
we fly over swamps n we pass thru walls
exhilarating
moving
always going straight ahead
straight on n on
insistent
dreamy stuff

the who : mary ann with the shaky hands
i like this side of the who
what a great melody
great harmonies
short n sweet
funny and wistful
or is this a kinda rude joke??
(eg is she especially good at "hand jobs")


there you go
my computer came up with this list
somehow
i dunno
but what a great buncha tunes
youll see lotsa things in there i nicked im sure
bye bye
ttb

being happy being sad

oh im so happy imagining my fiendsss
in the northern hemisphere
celebrating summer as they should
swimming in gods cold ocean
swimming in that aitch too owe
sweet sweet summer
oh northern summer
oh the englishman in me is called home
a b and b in ramsgate?
up in findhorn in scotland
where the earth spirits have been contacted
and lo
theyre growing some tropical fruit
the great god pan is alive!
and the naiads and dryads dance at midsummer
in glades and dells
dwarves and elves and faery folk
enchanted summer
leafy oaks and brooks and country lanes
the being sits in the void of southern winter
here in my kitchen with a p-coat on
my fingers n feet n nose freeze
oh i wanna gambol in those english woods
i wanna eat tartex and kneckebrod in a skane skog
dive into that black scandic lake
deep and fucking ancient!
in hungary the rolling hills and plains
life goes on as always in tiny hamlets n villages
in the twilight evenings couples stroll through the countryside
lovely germany and its warm generous summer
shady forests and soft beds
america with its beaches and its lovely trees
oh those lucky natives before the arrival of" the man"
why oh why did we have to do what we did?
here n there
n everywhere we go
we middle aged english speaking males
couldnt we have stayed home n enjoyed our own misery?
ooh we paid a high price for our tekk-nology
oh all the blood on our ancestors hands
i cant seem to wash it all off
sometimes i feel guilty just being "white"
although only parts of me are actually white of course
where my stupid little bondi icebergs swimmers go
the rest is a kinda beigey dirty off-white
i go red when im burnt
i go green when im sea sick
i go blue when im cold
i go grey when im anxious
i go yellow when im jaundiced
you could say im a man of colours
resist ice-house comments
iva biggun davies
"you are awful....but i like you!"
hey this blogging lark is easy
look i can write anything i like
muse : yeah...they noticed
the woolly headed doodles pile outta bed
they like to scare each other
and now they have to "take" each other
to the bathroom
or theyre too scared to do a wee on their own
but i dunno what kinda spook would be put off his evil
just cos the other doodle was there
but i guess theyre not thinking it thru
you often hear a wail
as the minder doodle abandons her post
leaving the other one sitting on the toilet
and vulnerable to attack
from whatever monstrous ghoul inhabits the bathroom
the doodles got new drawing pads and charcoal pencils
and theyre churning out flowers n butterflies (eve)
and chipmunks squirrels n the inevitable rabbits (aurora)
reading the hobbit to the doodles at the mo
last night a passage where theyre eating rabbits
aurora looking at me horrified n gulping
christ
looking at a rabbit dont make me feel hungry either, honey bunny
muse : uh oh here we go again...!
we take doodles n bumper to a park in surry hills lassanite
me n nk got a nasty craving for pastizzi
and guess what?
oh joy oh joy
they do a lentil pastizzi
mmm ttb enjoys his pea n lentil pastizzis
n his tomato dipping sauce
watching the doodles tear around like mad things
while the bumper sits atop a little horse saying giddy up
actually it sounds more like gigga ahh
but nk who understands bumperish
says it ruffly translates as giddy up
giddy up?
what does that mean?
i'll never say that
if i ever jumped on a horse
and i wouldnt
cos i dont believe the horse wants to be ridden
why would it?
you gotta "break" em in 1st
that means breaking their spirit
kinda like what the good guys do at guantarunta fucking bay
davey hicks face down in fluoro light for five years
oooh he must be a badde guy!
real real badde
he musta threatened freedom the skinny little wretch
glad they got him
i can sleep so peacefully now
i dont believe in breaking anything or anyones spirit
do as you would be done by
thats the fucking golden rule aint it?
would you like a horse to break you in?
you wanna be treated like davey hicks without even a trial?
you want smart bombs dropping on your neck of the woods?
you wanna be rounded up n slaughtered?
you wanna be tracked n harpooned?
you wanna be napalmed or defoliated?
you want your kids killed?
come on
im naive n dopey
but cant this world reflect a little love
before i go to that great ibookG4 in the sky?

killer with kindness

hurry cane
psy-clones
storm und drain
winds lash north bondi
rain comes down in ye olde buckettes
the fambley wander the deserted beach in the afternoon
a guy runs past
theres whales out there
he yells in the mist of the rain and his exertion
we look out to sea
sure enough some huge beautiful beast launches itself up n out
the doodles n nk cheer
i feel a deep warmth
yes!
yes this is a lovely place our earth
oh thank you vishnu for the whales
thank you for this immense black thing that just leapt
from the roiling rolling grey sea
on this cold bleak day
i find myself warm inside with a contented easiness
muse: or was that pam n perrys victorian organic heads?
no no muse
and then a mother of one of the doodles friends
who i know to be hungarian
comes along
"are there whales out there?" she says
yep n when you see em you'll say "kusunum se pen"
ha ha ha she says
its my one little tiny bit of hungarian
which rubbed off on me
thank you
the guys in the wonderful heaven street seven
taught it to me
it took fucking ages to even begin to pronounce it
so they didnt all wince and giggle
anyway
i was glad that yon hungarian woman could understand it...
yeah the weathers been wilde here my little piglets
sweet oblivious disciples
vicious detractors
sneering enemies
ambivalent bystanders
detached well wishers
curious blow-ins
long term devotees
nobles of the realm
tender virgins
rambunctious olde fiendss
teutonic wunderkinds
blind angels
lovely sexy vegans
ugly olde killers
whatever your category...
some of you may straddle categories
izzy..or what?
some of you may be interested to know
that despite 15 degree water
huge waves and mucho marine detritus
i still plunged into the baby pool
this smorning
the big pool was a'closed due to monstrous swell
(ooohh mr humphries...!?)
so the lonely shivery killer did his good lapps in the babby poole
another guy hopped in for a moment
waved at me
felt the temperature
and the murky viscosity of the water
and smartly pissed off
i stay in and do the equivalent of ten lapps in bigge poole
the pool smells like a freaking fish market
i do not abide fishy smells very well
i spontaneously vomited one day
when in my callow youth
i accidentally stuck a prawn cracker in my gob
as soon as my mouth closed around the foul thing
my body convulsed in a bout of retching
thus is the horror i hold for crustacean life (eating i mean)
oh god there are dead n live crabs in the pool all the time
people
how do you fucking eat stuff like that?
any way i jump in ye olde sauna
and im amazed by the way my veins start popping out
all over my legs n ankles
as i start to warm up
some divinely brilliant n silent mechanism
makes our veins come out when its too warm in the flesh
and go in when it gets too cold
a little like a mans testicles i guess
all these clever little processes happening
ah life!
i hadda dream the othernight
and in it i was i was in this beautiful garden
(oh fiendss i love a nice garden!!)
and the sky was azure blue
the flowers blazed yellowgold
flame red
violetpurple
and there were small birdies fiendss
and butterflies with white and black wings
and i thought
oh i love life
lovelife
lovelife
yes
and then
and then the weight of my 52 years fell down heavy
and i realised
really realised in reality
how little time i really have left
and how much i didnt want to be olde and at the end
i wanted to be burning in the fire of eternal perpetual youth
the luxury of time
the future stretching out before me full of promise
instead of this past hanging off me like a shadow
bitter regrets
all the stupid things i said
no one has said more stupid things than me
BELIEVE IT OR NOT!
in that tone of voice i hate hearing myself talk in
the way i used to be mosta the time
and now only summa the time
i hate(d) the olde me
is it possible
for a mangey panther to change his(quick smoke at) spots?
(when is a box not a box?)
you know how georgie w(anker) bush
you know that fun lovin' environment crusading
peacenik and genius prezzi-dent
well remember that he was a coke snortin'(and dealing?)drunk driving
draft dodging tax evading ratbag who only stayed outta trubble
cos of nepotistic bigge daddie bushie
anyhow he one day just goes
oh im reborn!
i aint responsible for my boozy druggy wild debauched(sigh) days
im reborn now
that means i get to wipe the slate clean
and its not kosher to ask me about that stuff anymore
(and unbelievably the fucknuckle press swallow this ploy)
well anyway
you asking
yeah yeah whatsthis gotta do with thee ttb
well im like georgie
except it really happened to me
and hes just fuckin' acting
if hes a christian then i'll be blowed
(mr humphries.......???!!!)
and im the real deal
except istill talk about the olde days
we both got twins and cute american wives....??!!
and we both changed
except of course that he didnt
and hes the most powerful gink in the world
and im a broken powerless nobody with a 2 bit blogge
but him in the imaginary rebirth into the spirit (like hell)
me in the crucible of addiction then swimming/yoga/blah blah blah)
muse : jesus, what a cliche ....
yes its a cliche but cliches are cliches for a reason
oh god! grants dark side of town comes on my ipod
with karin singing backing vox
grant put this on his best-of solo records just out
its a real sad song
i cant believe its just come on my shuffle
karins vox are so poignant
what a sad little song...
pretty and fragile
grant will you give someone else a tern on my ipodd?
where wazzi?
gee
that takes a bitta recovering from...
oh yeah
so you see....
ah
ive forgotten

ps welcome back pretty little kitty kat

to killer mocking bird

working on the martin kennedy record
3 new tracks he sends up
i hear the 1 st track
i say to jlk
thats it
5 minutes later
i have words n melody
about lions laying down with lambs
when we realise the connection
when all opposites are reconciled
all in a catchy melody with rhymin' words
and everythin'...

scarlet kilbey
aka the bumper
aka the woofle
sits on my lapp
helping me drink my soy n rice milk smoothie
w/ banana n dates n flaxseed oil
dad dad dad she goes when she wants some
bye bye she says when the smoothie is gone

im painting like a demon
just making up for lost time
i guess
all those years i didnt paint
like rousseau who became a painter
when he was even older than me
he single handedly (well almost)
founded the naive school
also called the sunday painters
i think ive detoured from naive now
im something else
post naive
neo naive
impressionistic futurist naive
hmmm
i might do a cardboard box for bonzo
oh no
its recycling day
and the garbos took my masterpiece away
maybe you can still find it on the back o' the truck
its a rococco box with imagist binklebonks
its mans basic inhumanity to man
in a cardboard sculpture
it expresses the ineffable bifflehonk of my grondleworth

the rain drizzles on n on
aurora left the back window of the falcon open
and the car has a nasty damp smell
the sun ventures out for a few minutes
and then pisses off back behind the clouds
everything is soggy and waterlogged
the sandy loamy soil
the weeds n plants
the papers on the ground
the ants dash to n fro

could be expecting a kev carmody concerto at oprah house
early nexta yeer
snap back jack
these images of london
these illusions
oh im looking forward to that
and the queensland po fest
wherein i will do 2 lenny cohen songs
suzanne is one...
no thats a song for me to do
cant decide on the other one tho
everybody knows maybe.....
i dunno
any suggestions fiendss
im also gonna be reading the whole of froot machine
in one crazy burst
and talking about songwriting...
im a bittav anexxpert they say
but the problem remains
that i cant communicate it so well
and besides
if you were really had the knack
you wouldnt need to listen to some other olde tossa
like moi
pontificating on n on
youd just bloody well do it
or what?
nonetheless i will try to impart the meagre knowledge i have
as hard as it maybe
because it aint a technique
its a religion
its a vocation
im still thinking about songwriting
im still analyzing n deconstructing songs in my head
im still in love with music
and i still think the composer is numero uno
lyrics
music
melody
put em together whatta ya got...?
magic.....
or
rubbish
or something in between
rubbic?
magish?
why do i love hearin one guy going on
how is little baby left im
and im singing along and involved
another guy does the same
and i run screaming away in embarrassment
just cos of some strange way he pronounces his words
or the reverb on his voice
its all communicating something
only my deep mind can unravel and interpret
just got intermission
by grant n robert
their pick of their own solo work
a dubble cd
boy those guys hadda individual take on writing
forster a weird mix of awkward glamourous and facetious
grantley...warm romantic honest and yes, naive
put em together and who woulda thought it coulda worked so well
i liked lindys drumming actually
tho she aint to be heard here
and amanda brown n i wrote a song a cuppla years back
i see shes registered it now
and i hope it gets used in a movie
cos it was very nice
i guess thats enough for today
and i hope the worlds treating you well
hope all the sickies get better
all the lonely ones find someone
all the ones who wanna get out can get out
and all those who have stuck by me
and believed in me are not disappointed
hey melquiades
if you write blah blah blah
again
im gonna find you on a beach in delaware
and give you a good hiding!
dude you look like you been eating beast on a skewer!
yuck!!!
ttb

saint killer , supermart-yr

and all round handsome brute
torn apart by his own commenters
driven crazy by the taste of his sweet pure blood
no no
some cried
save him save him
and they seized the right half of him and pulled
others cried wicked
heretic
fool
blasphemer
dreamer
and they seized the left and tugged
and still others
inquisitors and torturers
asked tricksy questions
tricksy my preciousses
or they put their words in his mouth
and then beat him for it
spat upon and insulted
for having said
please be kind to all the beasts...
and they pulled and tore him asunder
he who had loved them so much
he who had shared unflinchingly
he who had over n over stated his misgivings about himself
he who was frank and forthright
he with the iq of a genius and the calves of a dancer
he with the gold records and mercurial teeth
he with the encyclopaedic knowledge of rocknroll
he with 2 sets of twins
he who has no country
he who is 1st son of 1st son
he who had been there and done that
but was thoughtful observant and eloquent enough
to come back and tell you about it in poetic terms no less
go ahead
wags nibble on his carcass now
detractors desecrate his memory with obscene slogans
his followers have declared him a public holiday
and many of them now dress in scruffy clothes to honour him
and smoke the sacred erb
tucking into nut cutlets
wearing wispy hair wigs
and false white beards
they call him the saint who was no saint
the prophet without profit
white hippy moses
the mangey panther
the fool
the time being
the charlatan
the killer of children and women
the olde fella
the ladies man
the uneven one
slim boy grunt
steve fairchild
steve underwood
steve bennett
steve a'door
the one who was pretty
hippy dribble
the voice of the voiceless
the merciful one
deaf as a post
mr resilience
the clown
man of sorrows
freckleface
mr kilbey
the one who could go either way
ahhh
so many names
so many games
so misunderstood
so sad
such a shame
some said stop
some said go
some said hi
some said lo
and behold me tight!
some said oh i love you time being
please take your time
strip these hours from me
remove these minutes as if they were my garment
paint me a picture of living life
some said i am leaving
i am leaving
but the fighter still remained
watching me watching me
waiting to hurt
hurt
hurt
hasnt this earth gotta nuff hurt already
enuff sadness n sorrow
no no no
in coming slings and arrows
outrageous fucking fortune
ducking and weaving
dodging them brickbats
oh theyre cutting me to the quick n the dead
so many words
so many bad vibes
poor be-wildered olde killer
he stands up confused
who turned out the lights? he asks
in the darkness of his tribulation
some of his apostles say
close it down sweet man
we cannot bear to see thee slandered and abused thus
others say
we have come with thee thus far
but now alas our parts must path
others say wherever you lead dear master
there we will follow
for your sake
but for my sake
is for your sake
and the ones who cant see wont believe
and then the pharisees said
how dare you tell us not to eat the beasts
we have always eaten them
we are given dominion over them (it says)
and we'll do whatever the fuck we like
besides what about in tibet?
or mongolia?
and the holocaust?
and abortion?
and the disabled?
and the old?
the homeless?
and sickness?
and poverty?
and dole cheats?
and the broken pavement on hall street
and the lions?
and the a-theists?
and heroin?
and going to jail?
and whatta bout the past?
and whatta bout me?
and whatta bout you?
what about what you did?
yes you you you!
dont worry about keith richards n loo read
what about you?
who me?
yeah you!
oh i lied n cheated n ignored n fucked up
oh i been so wrong about so many things
so many many so many many
sins i grant you
i sinned i sind i rescind
sinned to cinder
sainthoodlum
but one thing im sure of...
no no no say pharisees
you arent sure of anything
no right to be sure
but i feel this
no no no
you dont feel you fool
dont feel
your foolish feelings
but are we humans?
is this humanity?
is this love in action?
is this the way whoever would have wanted it?
can you dig life?
life....not ours to take away...not like that
not to breed beasts in fear factory
hunt them yes if youre a hunter
how many hunters here? asked the being
but hardly any raised their hands...
but the fish...
but mongolia...
but the iron...
but the advertisements with sam neill...
look!
the being swung around angrily and he declared
DO WHATEVER YOU CAN!

killer wail

eat what you like fiendss
ive led the donkeys to water
but i cant make em drink
the things i first said in 1972
when i became vegetarian
are coming true
people are now seriously considering animal rights
in 1972 people laughed scorned and ridiculed me
for such ideas
i realise
as i realised then
with any great upheaval in the human race
when we move on
and leave our ignorance behind
and move forward
towards a goal of peace prosperity and progress
we will have to leave behind things like
slavery
female circumcision
war
rape
guns
and
slaughter of beasts
deeds that are perpetrated on weak or silent creatures
deeds that generate blood and shame and horror
i have found meat eaters grasping at the most ridiculous rationales
to justify what they know in that part of them
where god lives
in there
they know the real horror of what they consume
or are as yet
so thick
so unthawed by love and life
to remain impervious to the true horror of meat
and the way it boomerangs back on us
the killers become the killed
the pro meat comments here
are hardly worth my time demolishing
the proofs in the pudding baby
im fifty 2 and i can outrun outswim out play
out party and out anything else
most of ya who eat meat
whatever yer age
i churn out art n music
decent art n music
i raise my kids to be veg n theyre strapping n smart
their features are fine and beautiful
and their hearts are not weighed down with meat
i drive vans n cars for a thousand miles
i still jump out and rock n scream for 2 hours
i go to bed at 3
i jump out at 7 and do yoga for an hour
i say what the fucks happening
and i start all over again
my hair although its getting wispy
has hardly any grey
i never get sick
i defeated heroin baby n lived to tell the tale
and please baybee
dont tell me cos i was a junkie
that i aint got no right to preach anti meat
i laugh at your feeble protestations for meateating
your guilt pushes you to absurd limits
again
i invite all unrepentent meat eaters to depart
dont clogg up my comments with your silliness
im a veg till the day i die
and please
oh the homeless.....
what have the homeless got to do with vegetarianism again?
always meat eaters who come up with the "thickest" things
and thats no wonder really
so why write it?
you aint never gone a change me
i would no more eat meat than eat dirt
actually i know what i prefer
ive heard it all before
this is my blogge
i dont wanna hear about microscopic organisms in the air
or carrots screaming
or the homeless
or ants you trod on
or my ex junkydom
or the lions n cheetahs
or the farmers
or how tired you felt
when you stopped with the pork for a week
adolf hitla
how chicken is alright
how you need the iron
baby i heard it all
a hundred years ago
if you wanna eat meat go ahead
please dont sully my pages with your nonsense
any of ya
with whatever connection you think you have to me
respect this
no i do not respect your right to eat meat
and i dont wanna hear about it
it depresses me
it fatigues me
it brings me down
i am connected to all life
and the slaughter is horrifying me
i cant understand what kind of unfeeling person
can go on with it as it is
and i sure dont want them airing their views here
no more do i want people advocating war n rape n pillage
thats it
you never gonna cower me
i dont respond to come on killer chill out
tell us about fucking heyday
no more meat killer
please
youre boring us....
sorry pal
its gotta be perfectly clear
if you eating meat
you never really gonna be my friend

the tempest

killer /prospero wakes early
its saturday morning
the storm has returned in spades
the females all sleep on
miranda at a rock festival in sweden
elli in the country house in sweden
eve n aurora cuddle up in their darkened room here
aurora loves rabbits squirrels n chipmunks
an olde friend suzanne comes over for dinner
out of the blue
i say to suzanne
what kind of animal do you think aurora is
without missing a beat
she laughs and says oh a bunny!
the whole family has a good laugh
even scarlet who doesnt know exactly why
but she enjoys a giggle so what the hell...
i suggest we recreate the mad hatters tea party scene
evie as the hatter...shes as nutty as a fruitcake
plus the hat would look good on her curls
aurora is a shoe-in for the march hare
if we can get her long pigtails to stand up straight
her front teeth are big n white
and she has the slightly reticent manner of a rabbit
her skin is impossibly tawny and her hair is blonde
a palomino rabbit
scarlet is definitely the dor-mouse
didja know lewis carroll saw a wombat
at his friends house who was a oxford zoologist
to him it looked like a giant sleeping mouse
and they are nocturnal beasts so it woulda been sleeping
the days carroll dropped by
anyway scarlet could be that sleepy silly dormouse easy
nk would be alice of course......
(hmmm...actually how appropriate)
of course im that olde caterpillar with that hookah-pipe
stoned n supercilious
hopefully turning into a fuckin' butterfly soon
like in that episode of doctor who
where these people start to get these mutations
the others cast em out
but theyre turning into the next stage of life
becoming something new n marvellous
but the ones who havent changed yet
well, they villify those in transition
and it reminds of me
of something some "wag" on the comments section wrote yessaday
if we all gave up meat the world would somehow miraculously change
mister, i believe it would...
so there you go
even "wags" come up with the occaisional profound thing
not that ive any thing against "wags"
but he was saying it facetiously
while it is actually the troof
last nite watched fast food nation
an american film
i tell ya if ya still fancy a hamburger
slip this on at dinnertime
itll go down a treat
as yer burgers coming back up
dont ya love a little faecal content in yer mince meat?
lovely scenes in the slaughterhouse
oh thats humanity at its finest
up to its knees in some poor beasts blood n shit
the end result being some disgusting "pattie"
full of .....what?
full of what?
everything , my little pigs
full of everything
everything you can imagine
and some poor bloated ignorant sucker
shovels it down his or hers gullet
and it makes em so sick in their belly
in their soul
in their heart
you just cannot believe it
and we will be judged most harshly by future generations
im not getting off this soapbox
so ridicule me if ya want
but the jokes really on the carni-vores
except that the joke aint funny....
anyway
the storm is raging n roaring outside
the kids all have gotten up
which makes it harder to concentrate
so im gonna disappear here
into this angry violent storm
which is lashing this town
and all its people

the killer in me is the killer in you

rant over and out!
you wanted a bit of bile
come on tell the truth
its funny when i get angry
just like it was funny when my dad les kilbey got angry
but it wasnt funny when my mum got angry
unless it was really really funny
and you could get her to laugh too
then she'd get even angrier cos she'd laugh
when she wanted to be angry
we are a mixture of our mothers n fathers
and all their mothers n fathers
we must all be somehow related
and in another lifetime
i may have been your sister or your son
if you are attracted to me now
you may have known me in another lifetime
says krishna...
i know i never quite get it right, do i?
but you trust that im trying
you can feel it, right?
and if i keep trying
then one day.....
ah that perfect song
that perfect poem
and
youll go
i been listening to this guy now for a hundred lifetimes
and this is my new favourite song....
really my life is to chase this ideal
and as long as i have breath
its what im gonna do
its an easy life in some ways
i have mostly eliminated "the man" from the equation
all day long im at work
its lovely lovely work
but it still makes me anxious n despondent
i do thank the lord everyday
that i am not at a factory
or behind a desk in fluoro wilderness
and oh my fiendss
if i could make it so
that none of you had to either
i would
funny enough
tiny dancer by elton came on my ipod
now i dont like elton
but my friend marcus s in sunny stockholm
said i should have this one elton album
madman across the water
anyway i do like tiny dancer
its specialness overcomes n defeats my prejudice
and hearing this song takes me back to 'aving a real job
after i left school
working as a tilers labourer
a blocka flats somewhere in canberra
i was taking all the old tiles outta the hallway
and they were not coming up easily
i was on my own and it was cold and a bit dark
driving to this place each day i heard 2 songs
on the radio
tiny dancer and heart of gold
and i would think about them all day
as i chiselled n scraped at the floor
in the hallway
and even then
believe me
i hated work
if they had had ipods in those days
or even walkmans...
or if i was stoned
see if ya put me in a corridor with my ipod n a spliff
i will chip out those olde tiles much more happily
than if im just straight n musicless
but in the void of nothing
i just played songs over n over in my head
and of course i didnt really realise it then
but i was deconstructing n analysing them
why did they make me feel this way
how did neil convey that lonesomeness?
why did i feel like i could fall in love with eltys tiny dancer?
the sounds, the strings, the voices
oh i was so deeply in love with music
who isnt?
who doesnt love music?
anyway
when i heard tiny dancer today
walking up my street from the pool
my head full of economic gloom
my head full of the sand patterns at the bottom of the pool
endorphins filling my system
from the coldwater n the hot sauna
and the rain that fell on me as i did chi gong
at the edge of the churning pacific ocean
and the gratitude i have that i dont have to work
at a "real" job
and with five children of my own
all girls
and my thick white beard getting long again
and the spring in my step
and the late autumn of my life
a brief burst of sunshine maybe
and all the time the muse is chucking out ideas
and im looking at things
and thinking of words
thinking about my solo album
thinking about the weird stuff my shuffle was throwing at me
civil war lament comes on
fuck grant you little bastard i still wish you hadnt gone
the pod was throwing in your bright ray at me lassa nite
and theres my mate timbo walloping the kit
so it all goes full circle
doesnt it?
i have been priveleged to work with some great people
and i think about em all the time
caino in the us
glenny bennie in melb
martin kennedy in melb
cummo in melb
polinski n the mim boys
also of ...melb
(i should move there actually
its more my kinda town...intellectually
oh but im so hooked on the icebergs
im getting the equivalent of 5 grams of painkiller
in endorphins from the pool n sauna every day
i go in there a hungover stumbling wreck
i emerge a neuman
go bes just came on my ipod as we speak
even as we speak grantley
anyway im studying the pointillistic rub of the leaves
and im thinking of how can you paint that?
and im thinking about the cars that zoom past
i see the drivers
my mind automatically comes up with a possible biography
unasked for
and forgets just as quickly
a man drives past in a black wet beemer
i picture a warm living room
discreet lighting
executive position
distant wife
cleaners come in thursdays n mondays
ocean n harbour views
books lie open on the coffee table, expensive and beautiful
images of famine in africa
and the grand prix
all in glossy thick deluxe pages
slightly intensified
a pool throws rippling aqua blue light on the ceiling
then his car is gone
another splashes past
behind a foggy window
a mother n some kids
i see a cosy kitchen looking out on a lovely back lawn
trees hem in the garden giving a sunny privacy
i see nights sitting in the garden when its too hot to sleep
early morning soccer practice and
mother in law dropping in unannounced
all the time
anyway
tiny dancer comes on and shatters my reverie
im back in that hallway
chipping away at those bastard tiles
im 18 or whatever i was
i see it all
somewhere in the backa my mind
just waiting to be unlocked
this memory
clear as crystal
good on ya elton!

dont read this blogge

ok
wear yer makeup then anonymouses who shall remain nameless
you know i aint talking about a bitta eyeliner
i wore as a performer
or the pancake i wore as shylock in the merchant of venus
and while im here
to the idiot who criticised me
for not taking care of the dog in the storm
the dog was already surrounded by the driver and its owners
sorry i didnt spell it out for ya
i thought you may have presumed that i would have helped
the dog if there hadnt been anyone there
its a given....or what
makeup schmakeup
pile it on you silly bints
im just talking about the gloop that covers yer whole face
and cracks into yer wrinkles n pores
and makes you look like a fright
go ahead
its a done deal
sometimes i feel like these little gremlins poring thru this blogge
looking for any un pc deviation or some thing to contradicto
or coming on like theyre some olde gurlfrend of mine
(i never met ya!)
or some olde wise "inside" person who wryly sadly
points out the 'orrible truth about your saintly being
like he was there when ploogy got sacked
or whatever
jesus get real
this is the diary of a space rocker
oh yeah
some other goose
says i dont like makeup
cos im olde
and it would make me look like a sad old clown
but this is what i secretely want AND need
madame
have you been fucking following this at all
do you reckon some olde bloke like me
with a big white beard
dressed in shorts n boots
is jealous of "the young"
cos i wanta a bright colourful face?
lady
my red nose
my grey eyes
my brown freckles
my golden tan
my black white brown n blonde beardy
does it sound like i need more colour in my face
do you really think im longing for my pretty youth
maybe you are
but i aint
i dont care if you believe it or not
lady i live in the everflowing present
i got more balls now than that prick who was me ever dreamed of
you think im gonna sacrifice that for a pretty face and big hair
no no
thats you
superficial ones
dont project yer silly wishes on me
dont attribute yer longing for someone elses glory daze on me
and i know my regular readers enjoy a good rant
so im just blowing off some steam for their amusement
at my deep still centre i am unruffled
you better believe it
and anyway
why are you looking for truth n wisdom on a internet diary
of a self confessed washed up drug addled crazy olde rocker
sometimes i wonder how it woulda been if the great writers
of the past had had blogs and commenters

jrr tolkiens blog
morgoth was defeated
and cast into a deep pit
his servant sauron was captured
and the elves held him fast
but he pretended to be rehabilitated
and they were deceived and gave him freedom
he made rings which he gave to man elf and dwarf
but he made a master ring
which he saved for himself
and his power over them grew
he was lord of the rings
see ya tomorrow
love
jrr

comments
anonymous said
morgoth was innocent
is this racism against a balrog?
tolkien=hitler!

anonymous said
thats it
im never reading this blog again
look im leaving
look im gone
just checking....
one last time then....

anonymous said
hey jrr
remember me
im that girl who was with c.s. that night in oxford
yeah you should remember....you lil devil!
from oooh that would be telling

anonymous said
ive seen tolkien in action
a friend of mine
a publisher got burnt by him bad
he aint no gentleman jim
dont be fooled
hes a bastard

anonymous said
hey jrr
tell us more about those cute little hobbits
they make me n my wife laugh....

nick fantasy-fiction said
hey tolkers
why dontcha jus chill?

anonymous said
tolkien
i know where you live!
a.n orc

anonymous said
bullshit!

anonymous said
i used to like your books
but this is too much
i thought you were smarter than this
but i guess i was wrong
from disappointed

anonymous said
"in mordor where the shadows lie"
whos in shadow now, jrr?
from guess who

etc etc etc
do you get the picture
look i know 95 per cent of my comments are positive
and everytime someone says something really nice
and heartfelt
i cringe cos i know some smarmy little worm is out there
getting ready to sneer
cos they cant tell the difference between affection and affectation
they cant see that you appreciate me and what i do
and how much i appreciate some kind words
i dont live for it
but verily
i do appreciate an intelligent informed bit of praise
fandorin for example
who i have met
in prague of all intellectual pretentious places
and he could tell you why he liked your record
in such an eloquent thoughtful way
that it made me wanna run
to whatever he was talking/writing about
and chuck it on the headphones
and say
"oh i wanna hear all that marvellous stuff hes hearing"
with other people a simple i love this will suffice
however you wanna say it
if you wanna say it
what kind of idiot would i be
if i had amassed this huge (in rock terms) body of work
and wasnt happy if folks liked it
i like it when the ladies still think im ok
i like it when the younger guys say you aint too badde f'ran olde guy
i like it when people like me
aint that natural
so i resent it when someone gets called a sicko phant
just because they liked something i did
sometimes i think what do they want from me
i churn out something here everyday
you dont have to pay
(but if you wanna..i had bad economic news)
and please if you wanna imply something
why dontcha put yer name?
you know mine....
who the fuck are you?

the throat of winter

fiendss
im being very naughty
a naughty being
im s'posed to be doing my accounting
i gotta meeting w/ my accountant at 3
its about 20 to 12 now
why fucking hurry it?
theres always the tim(e) bandit method
lets say you got 2 weeks to do something
ah you can take it easy that 1st week
as the second week begins
ah
have today off
you still got 6 days
on the fifth day you think
tomorrow im really gonna start
on the 4th day you go
no tomorrow im really gonna start
after all, times tight now
on the 3rd day you think
why worry
its a 2 day job if i work really hard
on the 2nd day you think
if i leave it until tomorrow
i will have no option but to complete it
in a glorious 1 day burst
on the last day you look at it
and say christ!
i couldnt get it all done today
so why even start
you ask for another 2 week extension
and the process is ready to begin all over again
baybee thats called a rationale
its a device to follow wherever yer peccodillos leading ya
wherever
imagine if teenagers said wherever
instead of whatever
boy i used to love that word whatever
now its so over bloody done
whatever
the twillies
got all that lingo down pat
mixed in with swedish accent
boy a whatever can go a long way to getting my goat
(no harm was done to the goat in the making of this sentence)
whatever daddeeeee!
aurora calls em the fashion freeks
and says she preferred em
when they didnt get up at 12 and go to bed at 3 in the morning
despite arguing n critizing each other all day
at 3 in the morning
theyre curled up on sofa together
watching some very stupid tv show
and they have a rationale
although theyve never put it into words
i will attempt it now
we ARE cultured educated feministick emancipated swedish chicks
therefore we can indulge in all this gossip celeb paris brad bullshit
as a kind of anthropological excursion into a tasteless world
and we can indulge in it as much as we want cos we wont get hooked...
oh but its addictive nasty stuff theyre peddling, those goss tycoons
as nasty as crack in its own way
virulent festering bile n dribble
oh god it makes you feel so badde reading those mags
just one goss rag makes me want to tear off the top
of my head n change my brain filter
cos yon gossie has fuckin clogged mah delly cate brain
can you truly dig the harm this stuff is doing?
the twillies can wade thru a hundred dentist waiting rooms of goss rags
and still be hungry for more
is there a connexion between the goss rags
and the "foundation" so many young women wear
on top of perfect downy youthful skin
a layer of blechhh!
ooh thats looks nasty
look even if yer olde n wrinkled like me
you can trowel that fucking stuff on
and its still gonna EMPHASISE yer flaws!
if you young what you need it for
who sold ya that lousy idea?
throw that rubbish away baybee
you dont need all that junk on yer dial
and the perfume.....
oh it can make me feel so sick
in a lift or a train
some bint with an overpowering sickly sweet atmosphere
whos chucked on some godawful "scent"
whats wrong with the way you smell as you are?
if you bathe regularly like the time being
you should have a pleasant warm woody aroma like me
and that goes for the men too
forget that 'orrible 'orrible o.d. cologne
aftershave and underarm goop
brut...have ya ever whiffed that muck
i had some brut underarm spray on once
when i still used poisonous aluminium filled stuff like that
when i was 18
it turned all my white tshirts grey under the arms
imagine what it was doing to me
if i get a disease in my armpits im gonna sue brut
sue brut...good name for all gurl rock band
anyway
people throw that stuff away
its a con they sold ya
women with makeup n perfume scared me as a kid
n they still do
a big pair of sticky red lips comin towards ya
and a cloud of some suffocating pong
no thanks
stay away from me aunty maude
dont pick me up n dont hug me
its grotesque
im a man
im no fool
i tell ya most men dont like it
you should be relieved
cant we all join our sacred hands
and proclaim
we dont want make up
we dont want perfume
we dont want aftershave n aluminium underarm gloop
we dont want goss rags
hmmm
maybe thats a chorus for something off the nu album
ahh (being eating vegemite toast)
well now im starting to enter the bargaining phase of my accnting denial
its 12o6 and still no veggie sausages cooked
nk + her little protege are having a nap
and im here alone
wreaking havoc
haha! oh ho!
the time being called for his pipe
he called for his bowl (what was in his bowl, though?)
and he called for his fiddlers 3
he had 3 fucking fiddlers?
wow some affluent king, right?
and dont forget sue bruts new record
grey underarm fixed

chore

no this damn blogge is not a chore
dear disciple
how could you
of all people question me..
was it so much better when i wrote in the morning....?
i wonder
strange days for beeing
my mother was without power n phone cos of the storm
people have lost their lives
broken glass n bits of trees everywhere
floods
the ritziest hotel here in bondi
smells like a sewer
imagine if you was just arriving for yer honeymoon...
nk n i had our honeymoon in a nice hotel
with champagne and chocolate strawberries
we went out n had mexican food most nights
im sorry but i never get sick of guacomole
it was july and we swam in the atlantic out front of the hotel
we went to the amusement arcade known as funland
we felt sorry for the parrot in the cage in the foyer
what a shame for poor polly...
the weak afternoon sun gives its final burst
a blaze of glory
im listening to slowdive demos on shuffle
im dressed in black from head to foot
my beard is long and needs another trim
my suntan is starting to fade ever so slightly
im doing a lotta painting
i love to paint quite frankly
its one of my fave things to do
i can finally lose myself
which i long to do
oh i long to lose myself
and painting turns off the switch
have you tried painting
you out there
if yer stressed
buy a little paint set n some paper
have a go
it doesnt matter if its good or bad
its the process
put some music on
if you indulge in herbal relaxation
or a glass of red
or nothing
go on
what ya got to lose
it may do the trick
you got that big olde sheet of white paper
my art steering committee sent me four sizes of white paper
the paper itself is a trip
youll feel like a real pro peeling yer sheet outta the block
careful gooseball...dont rip the corners
and dont cut yerself on the paper
ooooh that smarts
now now now
stick it up on yer eisel
or down on the table
oh look at all that potential
you could do anything you like
why dont you?
go on
anything you like
break the rules
follow the guidelines
be picasso or turner or van go go
or naive or pointillist or futurist
or be yerself
can you carve out a new identity here
i wassa lucky in a way
i wasnt influenced by any artists
i was influenced by plenty of musicians
but no artists
i mean i admire em n stuff
but now when i paint
im a free man
i dont know what im doing
i dont know how to do it
and im not trying to be like anyone else
at least i got that
but my latest lot of paintings have got vibration
they have movement
which is what i want
want my paintings to move of their own accord
want them to have the effect my songs have
wanna hit it onna visual as well as aural level
yes im a fucking overachiever stretching my meagre talent thin
but what the hell
it keeps me off the streets
so start painting
or colouring
or drawing
or anything
invite girls up to see your etchings
if it works for ya
just get on with it
no more procrastination
art now
art
art
art
garfunkel

uptake

was gonna write something goode for a change
but i thought nah
i'll just givem more of the same olde tripe
the olde guff and baloney
the meaningless dribble couched in embarrassing 4th form poetry
the pseudo oriental poppycock
half digested buddhist hippy nonsense
the bragging and whining
the "oh poor me but arent i great"?
you know
(groaning fiendss:yeah we know)
all that rambling vague bullshit about the sea n the sky
all that rose tinted schmaltzy nostalgiarama
about bass playing or painting...puh-leeze..
yeah yeah
ah whatever....
all that stuff
all that jive
all that whatchamacallit
yeah you got it now
slapdash impressionistic hoo ha
i mean real slapdash impressionistic hoo ha
and sillie spellingz or archaic words like lute
or family schmamily yawn it ups
all the kids with cute nicknames like
bongo
and jumper
a loopy olde guy in the daddy bizness
with five fiery fillies
starring ttb as nevets yeblik
this week
hilarity ensues as aussie surfer kids
drop round to date the twillies
yeblik is not handling the prospective suitors well
and baby jumper has just learned her first swear word
then the twillies switch identities to avoid being grounded
meanwhile yeblik is speaking at a prose festival
and the the doodles have doodled all over his prose
one of the doodles fish has babies...
one that the doodles had considered a boy
in a heartwarming and yet ribticklin' funny scene
yeblik gives the doodles a talk about the birds n bees n...fish
baby jumper swallows the twillies nano
nk starts to pronounce tomato as tomahto
until her dad arrives from u.s.
doodles get a pet rabbit which gets caught in dishwasher
and a visit to vet (cameo by russell crowe)
anyway
today ive had hummous n tomato bagels
and tacquitos with guac
some sweets
fiji water
walked along the beach
storm has abated
will write
tomorrow

third day of the storm

noah wasnt a bad bloke
i mean he tried to do the right thing
he loved 'is missus
he had three big hefty boys called ham and cant remember the other 2
i mean hams badde enuff
maybe he stopped naming em after that
or was it ham sam and larry....?
does it really matter...
well in a way because they all went off n repopulated erf
w/ their progeny
apres le deluge baybee
after the big big flood
you see yer god was pretty cranky
he reckoned the human beans were pretty lawless n wild
those ungrateful little bastards he fumed
i'll get their attention
i'll teach em to carry on like that..
a flood!
one of the angels
probably gabriel
who i imagine looking like peter gabriel
round foxtrot days
but with wings and a lovely trumpet
anyway gabriel says
hang on lordy
aint there one cool cat down there
one true fiend who didst as thou willst
one ok druid who did his thing with style
yer god says
angel, yer right
yer right on the money as per usual ..
are we talking about....?
noah?
noah!
right on lordy, can i help with anything...
can ya fly down there and warn him
yeah you better ask him his favourite song...?
whys that, lordy?
well if he dont get it, you start singin'
raindrops keep falling on thy head....
gotcha ha ha...one other thing?
what is it gabe?
well ah whattabout all the animals?
what?
the animals, the creatures, the beasties, sire?
oh yes, i hadnt really thought about them.....
youll have to re create em, lordy....
oh no not again ....look make sure he takes 2 of each
a male n a female of everything from cockroach to cougars
a good pair of breeders thatll sort it out
as you wish, lordy....i'll see to it n make it occur

so the following day
noahs out n about
doing his thing
calling in on some olde friends
having a drink a smoke n a laugh
when gabriel appears on the way home
wow an angel says noah
dig it you cool mortal n good friend of someone in high places
what does it all mean my wingy friend?
my man its going to rain
the world will go under
only you n yer fambley will survive
build an big big boat
take some food
you gonna make it alright....!
wow thanks for the tip...are you sure?
yeah says the angel and make sure yer boat is this many cubits!
wow says noah thats a big boat...umm why does it hafta be like that?
oh yeah says the angel...
there was something i forgot to tell ya...

the next day noahs wife (mrs sark)
she says what?
an angel told you what?
she looked outside at the biblical blue sky n its golden sun
it aint gonna rain this time o year you crazy fool
baby cmon on now says noah just help me get this gig together
where are the boys?
theyre comin over fer dinner tonight, honey says wife
ok thats good and he looked up at the sky again
and only he would have noticed a tiny tiny whispy cloud
a long way up in that burning royal blue

anyway the next bit is pretty tricky to describe
noah n the lads rounded up all these animals somehow
i guess that it was divinely fixed that certain pairs
among each type were in on the whole flood thing
and had been like kinda tranquilised or something
or filled with some kinda understanding by gabriel maybe
how they rounded up polar bears n kangaroos n panda bears
well you can do stuff like that if ya got friends in high places
of course they built this huge boat first
sitting in noahs back garden in the middle of the middle east
a long way from the nearest lake or darling harbour
his neighbours n detractors were laughing at him
you know
giving him a hard time
hey noah can i hire this for my daughters wedding cruise..?
ha ha ha
actually thats an idea for when this whole thing is over said wife
and noah grunted
meanwhile the sky was growing greyer n greyer
a perfect storm was a brewing over noahs necka the woods
downtown the locals were still at it
same old same old
adult-ery
drunkeness
four knee cation
swearing n cursing n mentioning the wrong names
stealing n pinching n robbing each other blind
some of the dirty devils apparently were into bestiality
and thats some disgustin' stuff
the first drop of rain hit a casino
the second hit a brothel
the third drop of rain landed on a bottle shop in jericho
and then
the sky opened up and it wept
baby it wept
and noah n his lads were still tying up a few loose ends
no hen peacock for example
(yer god wants 'is peacocks, noah said gabriel)
both cobras had been less then forthcoming
(gabriel played a little tune on his trumpet n they calmed down)
one of the pigs had run off
saying to her husband the boar
horace...the guys name is ham ferchrissakes...!
noah felt those first drops and he yelled out
wow he aint givin' us much time to wrap up this animal lark..!
they somehow grabbed the last of the beasts
n high tailed it to the boat
noahs wife smashed a bottle of phoenician bubbly
and said
i call this ship the ark
and they all jumped in
batten down the hatches
and it bucketted it down
and the water began to rise n rise
and the sinners began to get a little damp
in their pursuits of happinesses
that were not recommended
crimes against nature
unnatural acts n sordid dealings
avaricious greedy bunch
oh you should take some serious swimming lessons
cos its only just started baby
and it kept on bucketting down
and eventually the ark moved as the water lifted it afloat
luckily yer god had taken care of that tranking business
with the beasties i mean
otherwise you can imagine the chaos in this dark boat
oh i hope noah sealed it according to the angels specs
n didnt skimp on the tar
and how the hell ya gonna feed that lot?
i mean that lion aint gonna like going hungry
while those lambs are walking about
and the mess...
oh dear
seems the boys 3 wives got their hands full
1st wife: what the f#@k?
2nd wife: dont swear dear, this is a biblical recreation
3rd wife: hey i already read this flood story in gilgamesh
1st wife: c'mon its older than that too...
3rd wife : really..?
2nd wife : yeah this is just another remake
1st wife : but we're trying to put our own slant on it
3rd wife : i still bet silly sods will take it literally though...
all 3 : sigh.....
meanwhile outside
the last of the sinners were clinging to the highest hilltops
as the rest of the world was submerged beneath the flood
as the ark sailed past they begged noah to take em on
please noah take us on
take me on
take on me
ahhhhhh!
but noah 'd been given the word
no passengers!
and anyway he had his hands full
keeping the porcupines away from the baboons
feeding the new mice arriving all the time now
keeping the bears outta the honey etc etc
a tiger had already had a nibble on a wallaby
and the polar bears were sweltering and very pissed off
the birds were flying about
the cockatoos were squawking n panicking
the ducks had laid eggs and hams wife had trodden on one
what a bloody horrible mess she whinged as she mopped it up
i like eggs said ham
sooner or later everyone drowned
ok it was bit rough on small children who hadnt begin to sin yet
but then
given their environment n their genes
yer god musta reckoned it was inevitable
it was also a bit ruff on other countries far away
like say
australia
where most of the aborigines were in fact
behaving themselves
maybe it wasnt the whole world that flooded
maybe it was just noahs bit of the world
well its impractical to flood the whole world
it just wouldnt work
i mean to get up to everests height
would take a lotta rainwater and it d never dry out
but then again
why did he have those vicious hot polar bears with him then
i dunno
why ask me?
anyway
of course
the rest is history
the rain stopped
the sun came out
a dove came back wiv a leaf in its beak
the water evaporated away...somehow....
and the three lads trudged off in opposite directions
across the damp soggy muddy icky earth
in opposite directions cos theyd all hadda nuff of each other
and they each repopulated the planet with their progeny
(which is kinda silly...didnt they get....duh...interbreeding?)

and noah n mrs sark
did a great trade
dead sea cruises weddings parties bar mitzvahs anything